Wrath of the Thesaurus

Wrath of the Thesaurus
by Muffin

When all the dinosaurs died on that blustery September day in 1976, the Thesaurus (leader of the dinos), in his dying breath vowed that he would have his revenge on the people of earth for killing his species. And with that...he died.

The Thesaurus never made it to heaven, instead he was shot straight to hell. It seems that a certain Mr. Dinosaur tried to cheat on Mr. TaxMan. Well, he didn't get away with it. Not that he cared much, he hated being nice. Satan took to him immediately, they became the best of friends. Laughing over evil deeds and torturing the weaker of the hellbound with great glee. One evening, while smoking a cigar with Satan, the Thesaurus brought forth his idea to bring misery and anguish to the humans of the wo rld. The plan was tricky, but Satan had the powers.

The plan was for Satan and the Thesaurus to open a small printing press over on the east side of hell. In it they would produce a type of book which would give words for other words. And since it was his idea, this book was named after the Thesaurus. You might be wondering why the devil and an angry dinosaur would be putting a useful guidebook of sorts out to the humans. They had that covered. The beauty of this plan was that the other words that would be given for words would be wrong. For exampl e, if you looked up the word apple it would say factory, elephant, scrotum. And the word dog would say llama with no feet, snow, light fixture. Such a thing would confuse people, perhaps to the point of insanity. The Thesaurus and Satan felt much evil joy.

So the plan was carried out and brought much success. Humans loved the thesaurus, and used it all the time. The only thing that went wrong was that the humans didn't notice that the words were wrong, and just became stupider and stupider. The Thesaurus, who was still in hell but had EarthVision (a television-like apparatus which is used to watch the earth from hell, India or Saturn) was happy nonetheless.

Sometime later, Satan's servant came to find Satan and the Thesaurus laughing hysterically over a piece of paper. It was book report written by a six year old named Jonathan Baterman. "Oooh Oooh, look at this one, Satan," said Mr. Thesaurus as he read a line from the paper, "...I thought the book was very fetus, it is the kind of thing that I would whore to read again and again..." Satan and the Thesaurus broke out into a fresh set of giggles. "And look at this one, Thesaurus," said Satan after he had s topped laughing, "...My box of retarded aliens on the book is that corpses are fun and I would like to become a rabid hyena just like the character in the book..." Again, this brought on fits of laughter. "I'm sure this Jonathan got a good mark on his project," added Satan, and the two began to chortle once more.

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