by Albino Finch
Well, I have no shame in telling you, dear reader, that these types of people make me sick.
I hate humour, and I hate laughter. I say this proudly, and without reservation.
Laughter is a state characterized by loud, inarticulate sounds created by the explosive expellation of air from the lungs, and uncontrable convultions of the face, and sometimes, the entire body. Sounds more like torture to me. Fans of laughter, who are described as "having a good sense of humour" in humourist circles, have, in extreme cases, known to experience breathing problems while laughing, and have sometimes been known to roll on the floor in uncontrollable convultions, their very cells writhing. And the scariest part is, in the humourist subculture, this reaction is seen as pleasurable, and is attempted to be reproduced whenever possible.
The humourist mindset is easy to recognize, but despite this, it has somehow wormed it's way into human culture, in sometimes undetectable ways. Even so-called "serious" people, our journalists, our anchorpersons, our financial advisors, have been known to "joke," sometimes while on national television, with millions watching. I have confronted a few of these infiltrators (who requested that I do not use their names in this essay) about their reckless and insane behaviour, and received the response that they were "just joking." I would suggest to these destroyers of decency and seriousness that there is no such thing as "just" joking. Jokes are a very serious matter, and have far-reaching reprecussions for the millions of individuals who make up Canadian and American culture. If a few people enjoy humour, that is their business and they can do it on their own time (though I don't see why any sane human being would), but I cannot stress enough that humour has no place in serious matters such as the reporting of world events, the economy, or the very serious matter of life in general.
Television, however, is full of programs devoted solely to the purpose of making people laugh. Sick isn't it? These shows are utter mockeries of all that is real. I hardly have to point out the dangers of encouraging people to take such matters lightly by making them the butt of jokery, and it goes on all the time, from the most harmless sitcoms (Blossom), to the most offensive, racist and sexist humour magazines (YIP).
If you have found yourself trapped in the grip of web of humour-appreciation, if you are embroilled helplessly in the humour subculture, if you enjoy laughter in the least, you can get help. I am currently running several workshops devoted to intense anti-humour theapy, and include group sessions, lectures, and the most advanced neurological surgical techniques to banish the scourge of humour from the mind itself. Currently, I am also applying for government support, and you can help by writing your MP.
For more information about the anti-humour workshops, write to me at
If you like anything here, or if you don't, please e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org. It's more fun than a kick in the head. Well, not really, but I can dream, can't I?