Hopili was an extremely healthy boy, ever since his birth. The delivering doctor had been quite surprised by Hopili's incredible muscle tone and overall fitness, and had cautioned his mother to make sure that Hopili didn't get TOO fit.
Mr. and Mrs. Waterkite had been pleased with the report, and had heeded the warning. They made sure Hopili didn't exercise or eat any vegetables, and that he had lots of sweets and slept a lot through his infancy. But still Hopili continued to develop perfectly formed muscles and organs, and never got sick or rundown. Even when they neglected to change his diaper for a few weeks, Hopili got no rash. At his next check-up, the doctor described his blood pressure as "almost too good", and appeared to be ill at ease with all aspects of Hopili's overwhelmingly good health.
The Waterkites began to worry too. Hopili was placed on a sugar and poison diet, and forced to sleep hanging upside down from a rotten tree in a stagnant swamp in the most disease-infested part of Africa. He was beaten with pitchforks and every week one of his parents would slash Hopili open and drain out all his muscle, and insert poison and fat and fungus, and live rats and malaria-carrying mosquitos. Hopili was forced to share needles and engage in absurdly high-risk sex constantly, though he was never allowed to exert any muscles in the process.
Twice a day all his blood was drained and replaced by rotten cess. Rusty nails were inserted into every pore, but no gangrene. He was fed infected turtles, but no salmonella. He was constantly around second-hand smoke, but no lung cancer. His parents resorted to dissecting Hopili, but whatever they took out grew back instantly, better than ever. No matter what anyone did, Hopili just got healthier. The doctors were terrified--the boy was just one step away from being too damn healthy!
And then, one day before his third birthday, Hopili broke free and headed into the city. He understood that he was only causing his parents pain, and wished to put an and to their torment. He chugged down a jug of vegetable juice as he jogged into the health club, his muscles expanding at an insane rate. Hopili sat down on the bench press and had just lifted the weights when suddenly he exploded. Vast torrents of used muscles sprayed across the globe, killing everyone. Except Hopili.
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