Mammoth

The Mammoth
by Albino Finch

He was a bigot in every sense of the word. It wasn't that he was raised by bigots or brainwashed by hate literature and the misfortunes of his own life. He wasn't. He was raised by liberals, and had led a good life. There was just some quirk in his head that made him hate sub-groups of humanity.

He would walk down the busy streets downtown, muttering under his breath: "Fuckin' blacks, fuckin' slavs, fuckin' jews, fuckin' fags." He would walk with a small dart gun under his jacket. If he saw such people, he would shoot a dart in their leg. There was one tinge of open-mindedness in this man--he was not an age bigot. He didn't think twice about shooting a small baby in the leg with his gun. He called himself "The Cobra" until he saw that wop movie. Life was good, until..

For his 18th birthday, he got a mirror. He unwrapped it. "FUCK!" he yelled and shot himself in the leg. He was black.

Over the next two weeks, he embraced African culture. He called himself "The Panther". "Fuckin' bl--oops. Fuckin' slavs, fuckin' jews, fuckin' fags," he muttered as he walked to his parent's house to find out where in The Motherland he was from. He shot a few people in the leg on the way.

He strolled into his house and hugged his father. They sat down and ate some sauerkraut and goulash.

"This is fuckin' good food Dad. Is this an African dish?" he asked, ever-so-subtly.
"No, it's from Poland actually," said the Panther's father.
"Why were you in Poland? Were you a slave?!"
"No, drop the 'e'. I lived in Poland until 1940."

The Panther snarled in rage and shot a dart into his father's leg. "FUCK!!" yelled the panther, and shot himself in the leg. He was a Slav.

The ambulance arrived about 30 minutes later and took them both to the hospital. On the way, the Panther muttered, "Fuckin' jews, fuckin' fags." He shot the ambulance driver in the leg because he had a big nose. He renamed himself "The Panski".

His mother visited the Panski in the hospital one day. "You know," she said, "I met your father in Poland."
"You were a slav too?" he asked, hopefully.
"No, I'm Jewish," she replied.

"FUCK!!!" he roared, and shot his mother and himself in the leg. He was a Jew.

As he lay in the hospital bed reading from the Talmud, he comforted himself by muttering, "Fuckin' fags." He had renamed himself "The Panskiberg."

Later that day, his nurse came in and gave the Panskiberg a sponge bath. The Panskiberg was delighted when the nurse found his genitals to be particularly in need of a wash. Before he could control himself, they began to kiss and had mad passionate sex. When it was over, the Panskiberg turned to look at the nurse. And what a fine nurse he was. The Panskiberg shot the nurse and himself.

"FUCK!!!!" he raged. He was gay.

Now, he calls himself the Panskiberg (the 'i' dotted with a heart), and he can often be seen roaming the streets aimlessly, muttering: "Fuckin' majority, the fuckin' man always tryin' to keep my people down..."

If you like anything here, or if you don't, please e-mail milky@yip.org. Or we'll poison your water supply. And we'll just see how much you ignore us when you're dead!