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Just think about it: as you sit here reading this article, your eyelids are pulled down by the weight of the insects living in your eyelashes. Your hair is swarming with lice and other insectile parasites. Your skin is a crawling mass of fleas, ticks, mites and other microscopic predators. Your digestive tract is filled with entire colonies of earwigs, maggots, cockroaches, aphids and spiders.

Oh sure, some may foolishly try to deny that spiders are insects, using the old "too many legs, too few wings" excuse. To such people I have but one question: if they aren't insects, how come they're small and creepy? A difficult question, my friend. A difficult question.

In reality, of course, anything smaller than a grapefruit is an insect, including spiders, scorpions, snails, worms, frogs, mice, hamsters, baby camels, rabbit's feet, dominoes, cherry tomatoes, belt buckles and small bits of cake. Runt grapefruits are as yet a grey area.

As it turns out, many things widely believed to be non-insects are, in reality, one or more insects; prime examples include pencils, water, teeth, God, reggae music, Montreal's Stade Olympique, and of course the entire continent of North America.

A good rule of thumb for determining whether or not something is an insect: if it isn't a person, house, planet, car, clothing item, or farm implement, chances are 9 out of 10 it is indeed an insect. Embrace it and cherish it, for insects are our allies. They give us their fine food and clothing, add spice to virtually any picnic, and ingest our rotting corpses for us after we die (a responsibility which is rightfully our own).

Thank god we have so many little insect friends.