Getting to the Meat

Getting to the Meat
by Milky

meat (met) n. [[ME mete < OE < Gmc *mad- , food, meat < IE base *mad- , to be moist, trickle, and generally make a fool of one's self > MAST2, Gr mastos , breast (see breast (hee hee))]] 1 food; esp., solid food, as distinguished from drink: now archaic or dialectal except in meat and drink 2 the flesh of animals used as food; esp., the flesh of mammals and, sometimes, of fowl and fish and on very special occasions insects 3 the edible, inner part [the meat of a nut] 4 the substance, meaning, or gist [the meat of a story] 5 [Archaic] a meal, esp. dinner, but also possibly breakfast or lunch and on very special occasions insects 6 [Slang] something that one especially enjoys or is skillful at [boy, do I ever enjoy or be skillful at my meat!] 7 [Athletic] table tennis [I say, does anyone want to play a game of meat?] 8 [Cute] a baby camel, particularly a cute one [aww, look, a meat] 9 a hammock, bed, chamois or canoe [hey, that's my meat, bud] 10 anything at all [please put the meat on the meat and then meat] 11 tasty friend of humanity, with an equally tasty tuber sidekick

As the years wear on, it seems to me that meat's reputation is steadily declining, and it makes me sick. Meat and meat products have been there for humankind almost since the beginning. Meat has fought by our side in two world wars. Only with the help of meat did humankind shatter the sound barrier and land the first man on the sun. And now, after thousands of years of meat's trusty companionship, how do we repay it? By callously abandoning it at the first sign of risks to human health and alleged links to the slaughter of animals. Like a fickle friend, we abandon meat by the side of the road in favour of hip, new syntho-foods constructed of foreign-sounding materials such as "soya", "tofu" and "gluten." Well, pardon me if I'm just a little bit wary, but I have never seen a cow made out of "gluten," my friend. And quite frankly I'm not so sure I'd want to.

The enemies of meat, who style themselves as "vegetarians" or "vegans," are a sick and hateful lot. They huddle in dark, smoke-filled coffeeshops, laughing cruelly and wolfing down tofu products as they plot the destruction of the pax carnivoria to serve their own selfish ends. Conspicuously absent from these dark cabals are the animals themselves. You see, the millions of cows, sheep, chickens, beavers and fish across the land know they'd make lousy pets, and that if it wasn't for the support of the meat industry they'd have to get jobs like the rest of us. Make no mistake about it: meat wants to be eaten, if we'll just give it the chance.

This issue of YIP will work towards restoring the splendour of meat, as well as meat's trusty sidekick the potato.

If you like anything here, or if you don't, please e-mail milky@yip.org. Win a Dead Mule(tm)!