Why Babies Aren't That Great

Why Babies Aren't That Great
by Albino Finch

Few people ever stop to think why we like babies. Well, I for one, have, and let me tell you, babies SUCK. If ever there was a concept which is undeserving of praise, it is that of babies. Most people have been lulled by this "future of the human race" business, when, in fact, all we're talking about is a torso, a head and some limbs. And all of it crying. Constantly. I'm sure many of you already share my opinion, but are afraid to speak your mind for fear of the backlash that will ensue. I say, it's time to put an end to this "infant-mania" once and for all. It's time we baby-haters come out of the closet, the closet built by the hordes of hate-mongering baby sympathizers which have been controlling events on the planet since time immemorial. It's time to call a spade a spade, and a baby a whiney, pathetic piece of flesh which sponges off the living. To think, that people are encouraged not only to produce more of these yelping hangers-on, but to support their disgusting little baby habits is enough to make any man VOMIT. As if we don't have enough to worry about, what with bills to pay and wars to fight, we're expected to care for INFANTS on top of all this?

I say they should all be left in the woods to fend for themselves. Let the WOLVES raise 'em. They've got nothing better to do. Consider the advantages of a wholesale baby abandonment program. The productivity of the human race would SKYROCKET. All those poor mothers and fathers, once tied-up in the care and maintenance of their horrid offspring could be put to work for the state. Instead of against it, which is what's happening now, with all this stupid fussing over every need and whim of a baby or two. It's time to stop throwing our resources down the black hole of babydom and start getting our act together, for the HERE and NOW. If you consider, for a second, that upwards of 8 billion manhours per year gets sucked to infant care, you begin to see that this lost time could be put into producing something worthwhile. For instance, 1/8th of the time spent in baby care could be relocated into interior decorating, producing REALLY, REALLY NICE OFFICES for every human on the planet. Or, if we moved a mere 1/16 of babytime into genetic research, in 8 years, the PERFECT MANGO could be produced, for generations and generations and GENERATIONS of HAPPY, BABYLESS humans to enjoy FOREVER! It's time to do a little tweaking on the English language, and from now on, in my books BABY means BAD.

Suggested Baby Substitutes:
1. Pets: What can babies give you that a dog or fish couldn't? Answer: NOTHING.
2. Tennis Balls: You can diaper a tennis ball as easy as you could a baby. What's the diff?
3. Jackhammers: If you happen to miss the constant crying, twenty to fifty jackhammers pounding away in your basement is just as good.
4. Lizards in Bathing Suits: Self-explanatory.

If you like anything here, or if you don't, please e-mail milky@yip.org. All the cool kids do. Well, except one.