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Why Babies Aren't That Great|
by Albino Finch
Few people ever stop to think why we like babies. Well, I for one, have, and let me tell you,
babies SUCK. If ever there was a concept which is undeserving of praise, it is that of
babies. Most people have been lulled by this "future of the human race" business, when, in
fact, all we're talking about is a torso, a head and some limbs. And all of it crying.
Constantly. I'm sure many of you already share my opinion, but are afraid to speak your mind
for fear of the backlash that will ensue. I say, it's time to put an end to this
"infant-mania" once and for all. It's time we baby-haters come out of the closet, the closet
built by the hordes of hate-mongering baby sympathizers which have been controlling events on
the planet since time immemorial. It's time to call a spade a spade, and a baby a whiney,
pathetic piece of flesh which sponges off the living. To think, that people are encouraged
not only to produce more of these yelping hangers-on, but to support their disgusting little
baby habits is enough to make any man VOMIT. As if we don't have enough to worry about, what
with bills to pay and wars to fight, we're expected to care for INFANTS on top of all this?
I say they should all be left in the woods to fend for themselves. Let the WOLVES raise
'em. They've got nothing better to do. Consider the advantages of a wholesale baby
abandonment program. The productivity of the human race would SKYROCKET. All those poor
mothers and fathers, once tied-up in the care and maintenance of their horrid offspring
could be put to work for the state. Instead of against it, which is what's happening now,
with all this stupid fussing over every need and whim of a baby or two. It's time to stop
throwing our resources down the black hole of babydom and start getting our act together,
for the HERE and NOW. If you consider, for a second, that upwards of 8 billion manhours per
year gets sucked to infant care, you begin to see that this lost time could be put into
producing something worthwhile. For instance, 1/8th of the time spent in baby care could
be relocated into interior decorating, producing REALLY, REALLY NICE OFFICES for every human
on the planet. Or, if we moved a mere 1/16 of babytime into genetic research, in 8 years,
the PERFECT MANGO could be produced, for generations and generations and GENERATIONS of
HAPPY, BABYLESS humans to enjoy FOREVER! It's time to do a little tweaking on the
English language, and from now on, in my books BABY means BAD.
Suggested Baby Substitutes:
1. Pets: What can babies give you that a dog or fish couldn't? Answer: NOTHING.
2. Tennis Balls: You can diaper a tennis ball as easy as you could a baby. What's the diff?
3. Jackhammers: If you happen to miss the constant crying, twenty to fifty jackhammers pounding
away in your basement is just as good.
4. Lizards in Bathing Suits: Self-explanatory.
If you like anything here, or if you don't, please e-mail
firstname.lastname@example.org. All the cool kids do. Well, except one.