by Albino Finch
A few people knew that none of these modern conceptions were true, but they were all old and called 'activists' and laughed at. Little did they know...
Then, strangely enough, people began to run out of things. Retail stores stopped receiving goods. The store managers called their suppliers, who called their suppliers, and so on and so on, into an endless circle of warehouses and middlemen. But no farmers.
"Okay," said the population of the Earth. "Enough is enough. We want stuff. We need stuff." The President went on television and asked all the farmers to call the local government offices and report on what the problem was. When no calls from farmers were received, the President went on the air, and asked again, just in case they were not watching television the last time. Once again, no results were forthcoming. It was eventually decided that the farmers were on strike, and had clammed up completely in the hopes that their demands would be met. What these demands were, no one bothered to inquire.
The President declared that the Earth would not give in to such terrorist activities, and demanded that all the farmers get back to work, or serious action would be taken. When no new stuff was produced, the President sent in the armed forces.
"Okay, men," said the generals. "We're not takin' crap from these farmer sorts anymore. This is war now. You might all die. You might live. But we are going to get all the farms running again and get some new stuff for the people of Earth. So let's get out there and fight!" And with a battle cry that rivaled those of the barbarians taking down the Roman Empire, the armed forces attacked. Then they realized that they didn't know what they were attacking or where it was, and so they killed some innocent civilians to satisfy their bloodlust, and that was that.
The President once again resorted to the media. Some of the middle class population had to go without some of the basic luxuries which the constitution deemed their right, so his tone was less aggressive. He had decided to concede to half their demands, and declared that day 'National Farmer Appreciation Day'. There would have been fireworks, but nobody could find any.
Still no new stuff was produced. The President conceded to all their demands, then he doubled, then trebled, all the figures on the list. The Earth became extremely puzzled. What more could the farmers want? Blood?
When the lower class had completely starved to death, the President went on TV once again. He was very somber and upfront. The farmer's plot had been revealed. They had been hoarding all the stuff for themselves, and would continue to do so until the entire population of the Earth was dead, so that they could keep all the stuff to themselves. The farmers were committing genocide.
The President begged the farmers to please have mercy, and consider carefully the moral implications of global genocide, but it did no good. No stuff was produced.
At that point, the Earth went completely insane. Anti-farmer rallies were held, and civilians suspected of being farmer sympathizers (who were also, coincidentally, the people with the most stockpiled stuff) were burned at the stake. The President had to go on the air once again, calm everyone down and explain that the farmers were a crafty sort, and had hidden themselves carefully. There wasn't much the civilians could do but co-operate fully with CIA and the FBI, whose efforts were completely focused on finding the farmers and making them get back to work.
It was all futile, and the human race eventually petered out to nothing. Historians have recorded this period as 'The Great Farmer Revolt of 3140: The Death of the Human Race.' The last thing written in the history books is 'Those bastard farmers...'
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