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Meataphors

Clever title eh? Yeah well fuck you because these are similies.
A baby is like a steak, they weigh 12 ounces and you want to eat them.
Life is like ham: pretty good.
The angry babysitter was as red and bad at babysitting as uncooked ground beef.
A taco is kinda like a newspaper, if you bring it into a pool people will get mad at you.
Dental hygenists are kind of like hot dogs, they both help dentists.
A soaking wet sandwich is like bacon, soggy, but full of potential. Also: both are food.
The Inuit are like roast turkey, brown. Also: both eat whales (maybe).
Roast beef is like macrame wall hangings, except you shouldn't hang roast beef on the wall.
Shoes are like steaks, they come from cows and you can wear them on your feet.
Substitute teachers are like roast pork, pretty laid back.
Escalators are like sausages, always, you know, bad.
Corduroy pants are like hamburgers, you put them in between a bun and then eat them.
Kidneys are like kidney-shaped pools: wet.
Barbecued spareribs are like space stations, it takes a long time to make them but then they're good.

How To Tell When Your Meat Has Gone Bad

Meat yells at your not to call it "sport" anymore.
When you ask meat why it got cut from the soccer team, meat numbles "no reason" and goes to its room.
Meat seems to slam down the ALT and TAB keys whenever you walk into the computer room.
Meat smokes cigarettes and says "whatever" a lot.
Meat gets a tattoo.
Meat has a backpack.
Meat describes recycling as being "a joke".
When you return home after your weekend in the country, meat tells you that "those stains were always there".
Meat controls an unusually large network of whores.
Meat uses the "F" word.
Meat renounces its once unshakable faith in Santa.
Meat kills people (for sport).
Meat laughs maniacally whenever discussing its plans to slave and/or destroy the human race.