by Gabriella von Neverbraun
There's this girl at my office who I've had my eye on for quite some time. I think she may be interested in me because I often catch her looking at me and smiling at me. I was going to say hi to her sometime soon, but now I notice that she's been talking to another guy in the office. What can I do?
Guy Who Was There First
Dear There First,
Young ladies often get impatient waiting for young men like you to make the first move. What you'll want to do is somehow spray your urine all over her, thereby marking her as your property. Then you just have to get up the nerve to say hi.
I've gotten myself into quite a mess. My fiancee and I are set to wed in the fall, and only as I was completing the paperwork did I realize that I have forgotten the first names of my parents. I'm sure they told me before, when I was young, but it really hasn't come up since then. I'm worried they'll think I'm a bad son if they find out I don't know their names. What can I do?
Forgot Parents' Names Guy
Dear Parental Name Forgetter,
It's safe to refer to pretty much anyone as "Blackie" ... after their house has been firebombed as they sleep.
I've always liked to hang around in the woods and let small woodsy creatures bite me, and now this small vice has finally caught up to me in the form of rabies. What I need to know now is, which manners apply to a rabid person, and which do not? Thank you in advance.
Guy Who is Rabid
If the rabid wish to maintain their place within proper society they must be careful to observe almost all the laws of civilized behaviour. In fact the only branch of etiquette from which a rabid person may be excused is that which forbids ferocious attacks upon other people and animals and the consumption of their flesh.
I met this girl at a party with loud music. I guess she didn't hear my name right when I introduced myself, and I didn't correct her at the time because it didn't seem important, and afterwards it seemed too late to bring it up. But now, eight years later, she is giving birth to my son and she wants to name him "Borlon Junior". Since my name is Carl, I'm worried that the neighbours will talk.
Guy Not Named Borlon
Dear Not Borlon,
I have consulted my manner library and it appears there is no tactful solution to this problem. Sorry. My advice to you is to ride the rails to another town and begin again.
There's a man at my work who I have come to despise with a passion. He's always talking about this or that, or going off to have a drink from the water fountain, or sitting around doing stuff. I've kept my cool so far, but I don't think I can take much more of this.
Girl Who Hates Guy A Lot
Dear Hate Girl,
Ya I know the guy. He's a bastard. Kick his ass.
Having been raised by wolves, I am often somewhat confused in the subtle differences between certain manners. For example, what exactly is the difference between "excuse me" and "pardon me"? Forgive me if my ignorance in these matters belies my lupine nature.
Guy who was Raised by Wolves
Dear Wolf Baby,
"Excuse me" and "pardon me" are two very different manners, to be used in entirely different circumstances. "Excuse me" is well-suited to cases wherein the mannerer has committed a faux pas related to pate; the acquisition of monkeys; sandpaper and/or the ethical problems presented by biotechnology; cleaning ladies (particularly unwed cleaning ladies); Mongolia; or Loki, the trickster god of Norse mythology. "Pardon me", on the other hand, is reserved for incidents involving the large-scale consumption of bark. To use either phrase incorrectly would be pure manner anarchy.
The other day I was at a dinner party and I noticed one of the other guests had his oyster fork in the spot where his fruit knife should have been located. I glared at him suggestively but he refused to take the hint. As a result, I was unable to eat a bite, and had to leave early, sobbing. What should I do in such situations in the future?
Girl Who Dislikes Misplaced Oyster Forks
Dear Oyster Fork Misplacement Disliking Girl,
As crude as it may seem, often the only effective way to curb bad table manners is to vomit upon the offending party. Nothing says "your uncivilized behaviour disgusts me" like large quantities of barf. Believe me, he'll thank you. If he gives you a funny look like you're being impolite, show him this letter.
If you like anything here, or if you don't, please e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org. Or we'll poison your water supply. And we'll just see how much you ignore us when you're dead!