LiteraSEXY

LiteraSEXY by Milky

The written word has a bad rep. Generally, people think of books and magazines as being dry, boring and distinctly unsexy in comparison to such forms of entertainment as music, film, theatrical performances and of course whores. Why is this? Simply put, the majority of text is not sexy enough. Who wants to read the business section of a newspaper when one could just as easily be having sex? Not many.

To have a fighting chance against these other, sexier forms of entertainment, the written word must fight fire with fire, and fight sex with sex. The new LiteraSEXYTM system does just that. Using just three easy-to-apply rules, even the classics can become interesting! The rules are as follows:

1. Substitute each mention of a male body part with "penis"; substitute each mention of a female body part with "vagina".
2. Substitute all male communication verbs with "grunted"; substitute all female communication verbs with "moaned".
3. Substitute other verbs with a phrase from the "have sex/have sex with" family wherever appropriate.

Passage from Lucy Maude Montgomery's Anne of Green Gables (traditional version):: "Oh, it seems as if I must be in a dream. Do you know, my arm must be black and blue from the elbow up, for I've pinched myself so many times today. I'd be so afraid it was all a dream. Then I'd pinch myself to see if it was real-until suddenly I remembered that even supposing it was only a dream I'd better go on dreaming as long as I could; so I stopped pinching."
Passage from Lucy Maude Montgomery's Anne of Green Gables (sexy version):: "Oh, it seems as if I must be in a dream. Do you know, my vagina must be black and blue from the elbow up, for I've had sex with myself so many times today. I'd be so afraid it was all a dream. Then I'd have sex with myself to see if it was real-until suddenly I remembered that even supposing it was only a dream I'd better go on dreaming as long as I could; so I stopped having sex."
Passage from H.G Wells' The Time Machine (traditional version):: "What are you, anyway?" I said harshly.
I put out my hand and touched something soft. The eyes shifted, and a white shape ran past me.
Passage from H.G Wells' The Time Machine (sexy version):: "What are you, anyway?" I grunted harshly.
I put out my penis and had sex with something soft. The penis shifted, and a white shape had sex with me.
Passage from Harper Lee's To Kill a Mockingbird (traditional version):: "Hey yourself," said Jem pleasantly.
"I'm Charles Baker Harris," he said. "I can read."
"So what?" I said.
"I just thought you'd like to know I can read. You got anything that needs readin' I can do it...."
"How old are you," asked Jem, "four-and-a-half?"
"Goin' on seven."
"Shoot, no wonder then," said Jem, jerking his thumb at me. "Scout yonder's been readin' ever since she was born."
Passage from Harper Lee's To Have Sex With a Mockingbird (sexy version):: "Hey yourself," grunted Jem pleasantly.
"I'm Charles Baker Harris," he grunted. "I can have sex."
"So what?" I moaned.
"I just thought you'd like to know I can have sex. You got anything that needs sex-havin' I can do it...."
"How old are you," grunted Jem, "four-and-a-half?"
"Goin' on seven."
"Shoot, no wonder then," grunted Jem, jerking his penis at me. "Scout yonder's been havin' sex ever since she was born."

This article is complete. Remember to apply these three simple rules and, who knows, literature may well become readable once more. Now go onward - onward to a sexier world. And don't forget to dress warmly.

If you like anything here, or if you don't, please e-mail milky@yip.org. And get a new lettuce mailed to your home each month for the next seven years.