Interview with a Girl

I was to speak with a member of an entirely different sex; a "girl". Though excited by the opportunity to gain an understanding of the forces that drive this much-discussed subculture, I was also apprehensive. This creature would have genitalia vastly different from my own - how would we communicate? But in the end my curiousity overwhelmed my fear. I wanted to figure out what makes girls tick, and what exactly the point of them is. I found out all that, AND MORE, during my...

Interview with a Girl by Milky

YS: What's your name?
G: Andrea Claire Bridget Bolton I.

YS: Why are girls named "Andrea"?
G: Not all girls are named Andrea, just some.

YS: How come girls have different parts than other people?
G: I think I can sum it up the best in this little ditty: "When God made little boys, he made them out of string. He found he had a bit too much and left a little thing. When God made little girls, he made them out of lace. He found he didn't have quite enough and left a little space."

YS: Explain this whole "breasts" thing.
G: For some reason, guys are attracted to big(ish) fleshy lumps that stick out of a girl's chest. Don't ask me why, I'm not a guy. The actual reason why breasts are around are because of milk and babies and stuff.

YS: Describe a typical day in the life of a girl.
G: Well, after I get up from my beauty sleep, I check what I'm doing for that day. If I'm going out I'll have a shower (I also shower when I'm not going out), pick out my clothes, do my hair and makeup, pack my bag. Then I go wherever I'm going. It's not all that exciting really. Maybe you should ask someone else. Someone who wears more skirts and dresses than I do.

YS: What do girls eat?
G: Girls eat the same things that boys eat, only in smaller proportions. I've seen guys who can down two Whoppers in one sitting which by girl standards is a monstrous amount of food. It's not as if I sit around all day with my girlfriends eating cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off. I eat Whoppers too, girls just tend to be more moderate about it because weight is a big issue with girls, and we don't want to appear (or look) like pigs.

YS: Why do girls like having babies so much? Doesn't it hurt?
G: I personally believe it's because mothers have never told their daughters how much childbirth hurts. If they knew, I think the human race would have fizzled out long ago. Girls like having babies because babies are cute, and they also further mankind. Also, there is some sort of biological clock inside of us that tells us when we want to have kids. It does hurt, I'm sure it hurts a lot. I think that people who have natural childbirth (no drugs) are absolutely bonkers. YS: Why do girls wear makeup? Is it supposed to be funny?
G: Girls wear makeup to highlight certain pleasing features, and hide certain unpleasant features. I saw this documentary on sex once that said that girls blush and their lips get redder when they are aroused. I think that girls wear makeup as a kind of primitive mating thing where they subconsciously send out sex signals to guys. I can't explain blue eyeshadow though, it's not very arousing. As for being funny...it can be, but that isn't the overall goal.

YS: Speaking on behalf of girlkind, what do you think of euthanasia?
G: I don't feel that I can answer this question on behalf of anybody. One's opinion of euthanasia is different from another's, even if both people are proud owners of vaginas. I don't even know what my own opinion is on the subject, so I'm not about to answer it on behalf of half the world's population.

YS: Why do girls feel that way? Does it have anything to do with "breasts"?
G: No. I don't think so.

YS: What's the point?
G: Of being a girl? I guess the only real point is to produce children to keep the race going. That answer seems kind of demeaning to women, I'm sure there are many more points. I think that girls are also around to tease the heck out of boys with our breasts, they seem to care for them a great deal.

Girls are around all the time if you want to see one.

He's a jumper cable named steven. and he's a good one. He hangs out with the boys and they try not to make him feel uncomfortable because he's a jumper cable but sometimes it just comes up in conversation. like for example, one day when he came into the bar [the man whose car wasn't working that is] he said to everybody in the bar, "hey, could anyone here conduct electricity from another car to my car so that my car might start?" "Not me," said the jumper cable. He's a very cunning jumper cable sometimes.

When winter ends, all the babies die. That's one of the saddest parts about spring but what can ya do.

If you like anything here, or if you don't, please e-mail milky@yip.org. It's more fun than a kick in the head. Well, not really, but I can dream, can't I?