Ah, Europe. Continent of classical music, lots and lots o' wars, and of course, many wonderful fountains. I checked out Italy, Monaco and Switzerland in October, just as fountain-diving season was coming to a close.

    St. Peter's Fountain (Rome, Italy): I was unable to get all the way into this fountain because (a) it was slimy (b) several hundred thousand people were watching and (c) I didn't want to make the Pope come out and kick my ass.

    Vatican Museum Fountain (Rome, Italy): I couldn't get all the way into this little fiesty yet papal delight due to a mixture of coldness and sliminess. I'm not sure why all the fountains in Vatican City are kept so slimy. Sliminess isn't next to Godliness.

    She-wolf Fountain (Rome, Italy): It was a very cold night in Rome and I was walking around in a t-shirt, shorts, and no jacket, but when I saw a fountain in honour of Romulus and Remus suckling their she-wolf mom, I couldn't say no. I slid into the fountain, but grossly underestimated how deep it was, and promptly fell in entirely. I am amazed I didn't die of hypothermia after this picture was taken.

    Nice Roman Fountain (Rome, Italy): This Nice Roman Fountain was located directly across from the Pope's palace, so there were too many police watching for me to get in. Too bad, I could've had a nice swim.

    Quattro Fontana Fountain A (Rome, Italy): This fountain, and the one below, were located at an intersection on a road named Quattro Fontana. At that intersection, there was a fountain on each corner, for a total of four fountains. Draw your own conclusions.

    Quattro Fontana Fountain B (Rome, Italy): This god is pouring water on my head. It happens.

Incidentally, the reason there are no pictures of Quattro Fontanas C and D is that they looked almost the same as Quattro Fontanas A and B. So you can just look at those two again.

    Spitting Lion Fountain (Rome, Italy): This lion gobbed on my head.

    Trevi Fountain (Rome, Italy): Such a travesty... the best fountain in the whole world, and there were too many police around for me to do anything more than dip my foot in it.

The Trevi fountain is actually the dispensing end of a long aqueduct. Isn't that amazing? I tossed a coin in, and according to the rules that's supposed to mean I get to return to Rome one day, so we'll see.

    Piazza Populi Fountain (Rome, Italy): This particular spitting lion guards over the Piazza Populi, along with three of his closest friends. How did they become friends, you ask? They share a common interest in spitting.

    Piazza Something-or-other Fountain (Rome, Italy): Although this fountain was extremely cold, I fully intended to get in and go for a dip, but there was a Carabinieri (special police) officer nearby, so I refrained. As it happened, some tattletale passer-by ratted me out to the Carabinieri just for dunking my face.

    Piazza Navona Fountain (Rome, Italy): This fountain was a tribute to Neptune, a personal friend of mine, so naturally I had to get in on the action.

    Funny Story Fountain (Rome, Italy): The Romans have a funny story about this fountain. Unfortunately, I don't speak Italian.

    Fish Fountain (Rome, Italy): This fish tried to eat me.

    Spanish Steps Fountain (Rome, Italy): At the base of the Spanish Steps lies this vaguely galleon-esque fountain. While I was bathing here, some crazy Italian youths ran up and drank large quantities of water out of the fountain. I imagine they are dead now.

    Spitting Girl Fountain (Bergamo, Italy): This woman was made of stone and had a long metal pipe jutting out of her mouth, but that didn't make her any less desirable in my eyes.

    Bergamo Slime Fountain (Bergamo, Italy): This fountain was slimy enough to be in the Vatican. I laid out a paper towel on this fountain to help keep some of the slime off me, but the slime soaked right through the paper towel. And that is the true story of how I became Slime Man.

    Hexagonal Fountain (Bergamo, Italy): I didn't actually get very wet in this shot - but I could have. Oh I could have.

There was a box of half-eaten pizza on the other side of this fountain, so if you're hungry, check it out.

    Black Blob Fountain (Bergamo, Italy): The Bergamonians erected this wetness-enhanced monument to honour a big black blob, located between the two pillars. I believe the big black blob is a saint or something. Most people in Italy are.

    Train Station Fountain (Bergamo, Italy): One last cold, slimy Bergamo fountain for the road.

    Black Fountain (Milan, Italy): In this shot, I am leaning up against a big black fountain in some Milanese city square with my hands up. The shot is lit by the headlights of a Carabinieri (special police) car. The carabinieri stopped the car and glared at me suspiciously but decided not to harrass me.

The little golden dot in the background is the Madonna atop the Duomo.

    Freakish Spitting Vampire Fountain (Milan, Italy): This is one of two fountains which flank the entrance to the Milan's monumental Statione Centrale. The other Freakish Spitting Vampire Fountain was this one's evil twin.

    Ferrari Fountain (Genoa, Italy): This large, beautiful, hubcap-shaped fountain was built by Ferrari as a gift to Genoa. A native Genovese praised the courage of my friend and I for wading in this near-to-freezing cold water.

    Flower Fountain (Monte Carlo, Monaco): Monaco was very hot and sunny so getting into fountains was once again a pleasure rather than a duty. This little number caught my eye as it is just like the mall fountains in my home land of Pickering.

    Casino Fountain A (Monte Carlo, Monaco): This was the fountain immediately in front of a big Monte Carlo casino and the Hotel de Paris. Note that Monacites really like the colours red and white.

    Casino Fountain B (Monte Carlo, Monaco): I'm truly glad I tackled this fountain on a hot day, as this baby was wet. The small streams of water are all very fast.

    Casino Fountain C (Monte Carlo, Monaco): A rather peaceful fountain at the top of the hill leading to the casino. The other casino fountains can be seen in the background.

    Dianetics Fountain (Lugano, Switzerland): To enjoy this fountain, I had to brave a group of recruiting Scientologists (not pictured here), who apparently drew their power from its waters.

    World's Coldest Fountain (Lugano, Switzerland): This fountain is proof that the laws of physics do not apply in Switzerland. This temperature of this natural rock fountain was far below zero. By all rights, the water should have been solid ice. I could not feel my legs anymore when I emerged.

    Cheating Fountain (Lugano, Switzerland): Note that I am not actually IN this fountain, but merely on it. After my traumatic experience with the World's Coldest Fountain, I was pretty much scarred for life. It took a lot of courage for me to get that close to another Swiss fountain.

    Fountain of Paradise (Paradiso, Switzerland): This was the only fountain in the small Swiss town of Paradiso. I was still far too distrustful of the unholy Swiss water to actually get wet in this fountain.

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