Well. Ahem. I am here to describe what it take to be a YIP member. I will assume complete ignorance for most, as any current YIP member will already know all this drivel as they _are_ a YIP member. But that's beside the point.
To be a YIP member, you will need the following equipment:
Or: The ability to whistle at 1200bps, understand pulse tones and have a photographic memory.
Other equipment that helps: The phone number of a YIP member board, and the ability to Babble at great lengths.
Babble, you ask? What is this magnificent talent you describe, you ask? Well, even if you didn't ask, and instead said, "Boy, this is really stupid", I'm going to tell you anyways.
Babbling is at the heart of any YIP member. It is the ability to ramble on, at length, about anything at all, including that big thing I see hanging off your face. Would you please get rid of it before I continue? It's very repulsive. Thank you. Anyways, babbling is not something that you can take lightly - it is a skill that takes minutes, maybe even hours to master, and should only be attempted only after reading the instructions on the label. Keep out of the reach of children. Poison. Oops, that's my lunch. You should find a file on this board which describes babbling in more detail, as my purpose is not to describe babble, but to describe the YIP member. So just forget it, I'm not telling.
Another quality which separates the average user from a YIP member is the fact that being human is frowned upon. Oh sure, there are human members, but you will never rise in the ranks of YIPness if you're cursed with an opposable thumb. Oh sure, you say, like I want to join a racist organization - but so's a toaster. Can I continue? Thank you. Anyways, YIP members are divided into several animal kingdoms, which I will list below whether you like it or not, dammit.
Cows - This is by far the best of the animal kingdoms. Most Sysops of YIP are cows. Or LLamas. Or Ducks. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Cows can be recognized by the characteristic "Moo" They udder. Get it? Udder? Fuck you.
LLamas - The second most populace animal kingdom in YIP. LLamas are allied to Cows, so watch out. LLamas are smelly, evil beasts that spit a lot, making them excellent dinner companions. I recommend a good red wine, as fish is not usually in season this time of year.
Ducks - Ducks go Quack. A lot. Too much in fact. I don't like ducks. But this is an un-bias look at YIP members, so I won't say that. Ducks are the sworn enemies of the Cows and Llamas, so don't feed them after dark. Actually, duckdom isn't so bad - it's a matter of preference, as ducks prefer a good white over red.
Skunks - There is only one Skunk, but she definitely requires mentioning. She's the Mam'zelle - and she's one dangerous character. She wants revenge, so watch out! Coming soon to a theatre near you, rated PG.
Aliens - I am an Alien. Me, the narrator here, remember? I come from Xenonia, which is about 30 minutes away at Moo Factor 10. I am currently situated on Jupiter at my family's cottage away from home. The long distance is murder. Anyways, I am unsure as to the number of aliens in YIP, but I believe it's square root is 15. or maybe Pi. I don't know.
Other - See other. Oh, this is other. Well, Y'know.
As you can see, the groups vary widely. As they should! So, you see, we're not racist, we just don't like you. Doesn't have anything to do with the fact that you just might be a smelly, worthless human. But then, why would a human be reading this? I dunno.
Being a YIP member means being as lazy as possible. We tend to use the same message titles over and over and over and over. The most popular to date seems to be "Hey!", due to it's attention-grabbing nature and ease of use. I give it a ten, but the Russian judge only gives it a 7. If you become a member, feel free to use it as often as possible. Another thing that will get you through just about any situation is the sacred "Y'Know", which is a component of YIP itself - Y'know, Inc. Productions. Here's an example:
Bill: "Hey Fred, how's that prostate going?"
Do not abuse your "Y'Know" privileges, or you'll have to sit in the
corner. Remember - with power comes responsibility.
Most important of all thing in this or that universe over there next to
the prunes is the alias. A YIP member must not have one of poor quality,
as it is a sign of a clean mind. Which is a no-no. Take mine, for lack
of any better examples (and since I'm writing this, dammit - if you want
to use your alias, write your own description!). I bet you have no idea
what the hell it means. This is good. However more bizarre, there are
ones which make even less sense. This is also good. A good choice for an
alias is something which contains everyday household words which do not
belong together, like "Wheat Radio" or "Styrofoam Lunchpail". Go ahead,
use these. I dare you. Hey.
For some bizarre, strange, weird reason unknown to man at this time, YIP
members are capable of doing something which is the envy of every non-
YIP user - they can carry on an intelligent conversation, using correct
punctuation and good grammar. Without using the caps lock keys. I know,
it's too good to be true, but hey. What makes them do this, I dunno.
Whatever the reason, the outcome is quite quaint (Quote used with
permission, (c) 1991 YIP). One of the side effects of this quality
conversation is message bases filled to capacity, users with thousands
of messages under their belts, and happy Sysops. This is good - keep
your Sysops happy, and maybe they'll give you a milkbone. Woof.
YIPers tend to gather at the various YIP boards, which also have weird
names. At these places they participate in many activities, including
contests and games. This is one of the better things of being a YIPer.
There should be a list of these nesting places on this board. If it's
any good. After all, this file will only go to the finest BBSes. It's a
snob, and I don't regret spoiling it rotten. It's an only child.
Ahem.
Not just any Joe Shmoe can join. Well, that's a lie - that Joe Shmoe
standing next to you can join. Joining is actually quite simple, which
is good since most YIP members have no clue of what's going on anyways.
I, for instance, didn't join. I was recruited, fresh outta da juniors.
If you sign up at any of the polling stations, you will be voted upon as
to whether we can get anything out of you, like cash or negotiable
bonds. If you past the test, you're in. If you don't, well, I dunno.
Anybody who oozes the above qualities _must_ be a YIP member. Whether
they like it or not. We'll tie them up and drag it out of them. Ve Hav
vays ov makink you a YIP member......
Now that you know what it takes to be a YIPer, wouldn't you like to be
a YIPers, too? Be a YIPer, drink Dr.Pep
-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-
"Ensign, prepare to engage the Moo Drive, Moo Factor 10."
"Moo Factor 10, sir? The engineer doesn't think the Drives can handle
that much power! We'll be milkshakes!"
"I don't care what that drunken fool thinks, we have an engagement of
Llama Fighters showing on the FoamScan, only a few parsecs away!"
"Fuck you."
"Moo Factor 10......Engage!"
MMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Fred: "It's okay. So, how's your radio doing?"
Bill:
Fred: