November 23rd, 3752 S.L. The world would end in two days.
12 O clock noon. It was such a wonderful day. The birds sang in their cages.
Just another damn Monday.
It was rather irrelevant that this would be the last Monday. To the billions who inhabbited the planet, it didn't matter much. The last Monday or the second last Monday. It all ment the same: Another damn Monday.
It seems rather funny now. From the beginning of time, Man has always feared death, always feared the end of the planet, always feared the death of the human race, but now that it was only two days away, it didn't seem like that big of a deal after all.
Look: The Dinosaurs kicked the bucket as well, and no one has to sit in an empty room and listen to them bitch about it for hours on end, why should human's be different. Good question. Why should human's be different?
The world was dieing. Yes. This was correct. It didn't mean you couldn't laugh about the whole situation.
Its all so damn funny.
For years and years people complained about all the damage that human's had done throughout the centuries. "Look what we have done to the atmosphere," they cried. "Look at all the polution." In three days, everyone will miss that polution. Hell, they'd be willing, perhaps, to burn parts of their own body, if they could.
So finally, the world's about to end and the funny thing is, human's had nothing to do with it.... Its those damn fish!
Yes, the end was near, alright. The end was so near, that people could feel it, and yet, no one bothered to look. It was there, and it would always be there, and for the countless many who inhabited the Earth, it would be just another, "Damned Monday."
Yes, and for centuries, people had been saying, "It's those damned Africans! I tell you! They're fucking out of control! They just won't stop! Someone ought to go over there, and rip out all of the female uteruses after they've had a kid, or two." It was widely believed among many that the Africans would lead the world to it's end.
But it wasn't. It was the fish.
Others proclaimed, still, in a rare time of peace, that it would be those damned nuclear warheads to do it. "It's those damned nuclear warheads! I tell you! They're making them out of control! (Here some who also hated the Africans would add, "Just like those fuckin' Africans!") They just won't stop! Some one ought to take authority, and rip out all of the war bringer's hearts, and stop them from making the things!" It was widely believed among many that the Nuclear Warheads would destroy the Earth.
But it wasn't. It was the fish.
Still some persisted that it would be CIDS (Complete Immuinity Deficiency Syndrome, the precursor to LIDS, (Limited...) which was the follower to AIDS) that ended the world. "It's those damned fags! I tell you! They're butt fucking each other out of control! Then they fuck some slut, and the whole thing gets spread across the world! Someone ought to rip their damned dicks off, and stop them from butt fucking each other!" It was widely believed among many that the disease, CIDS, would kill everone.
But it wasn't. It was the fish.
And there were the others. The radicals. The Anti-divinists, who were the anti-thesis of it all, who would kill the world. "It's those damned Anti-belevers! I tell you! Brother in the sky above! They're killing us all and they have no remorse, brother! Soon we shall all be killed by this wicked disease knows as anti-divinsts! They're killing out of control! Someone has to rip their souls apart, and make them meet the great Gods above, and show them all what this is!" It was widely believed among many that the anti-divinists would end the world as they knew it.
But it wasn't. It was the fish
And yet others would persist, those who were the incorporate of the long lost brotherhood of hippieism, that it was the illegality of everything that would end the world. "It's those damned law makers, man! I tell you! They won't let us do our thing, man! They've gone and made 'cid illegal man. They've gone and made weed untouchable man! We can't do our thing anymore, eh? Don't you see? If they'd just try the stuff, they'd know, man! They'd know how to make laws, and stop killing us all!" It was widely believd among these limited few that the laws would destroy the earth.
But it wasn't. It was the fish.
Then there were the intelligent ones on the planet of Earth. The ones who knew. They said, "Without war, we have a communicating planet. We have had peace for over 300 years. This just will not do! We need to have a war to keep the life flowing here. Without war, we will surely die of something."
These people were mocked, and scorned, and laughed at.
If only these people had talked to the fish.
So it was then that people started to ask "What did they do? What did those damn fish do to cause the end of the world to come about?"
There were many who instantly came up with this as an answer. "Those damn fish! They're fucking the Africans! That's what it is! Damn those fish, as if it wasn't bad enough the African's fucking each other! The fish have got to go and start doing it to." These people were the people who most called "fucking idiots." Most people were correct. How odd indeed that over 50% of the people can all be right. My my, the world is a wonderful place after all, isn't it. What a shame it only has a couple of days left.
There were many who blamed the nuclear war heads even still. They choose to ignore the fish altogether. They obviously did not learn there lesson the first time around. Unlike baseball however, these people would only have two chances at bat. It was strike two, the world ends, your out!
Still others tried to feet fish Cids. The fish seemed to enjoy this, but over all, these people had little affect on the world. But what's that really matter. The world only had two days left anyways. Hell, I might just go feed a fish a cid right now.....
So the fish were on Cid. It was no big deal. And the Africans may have been fucking the fish afterall. It was still no big deal. This was how AIDS started. Then apparently, LIDS came about from someone inserting their penis into the anal orifice of a pig. CIDS came from someone sticking their penis in the anal orifice of a woman who had had sex with a man who had stuck his penis in the anal orifice of both a pig, and someone who had had sex with a green monkey by inserting their penis into its anal orifice.
An anal orifice is a hole located in the middle back side of the human being, or at the end of an animal. It is used to dispose of waste materials which the body no longer can use for nutrition.
According to Kurt Vonnegut, whose great (x200) grand children would soon perish along with the rest of the earth, an anal orifice looked like this:
\ | /
\ | /
\|/
---X---
/|\
/ | \
/ | \
But in two days, anal orifices would not matter. Neither would 'cid, or
penises, for that matter.
For in two days, the entire damned planet would not exist, and this was why the people who were having sex with fish wouldn't be blamed either.
For this reason:
It was the fish who did it.
In fact, as the world was ending, there was one man, by the name of Appleston Wilberby Bottomless III, this numeral III, incidentally, meant that for some odd reason, this exact same name had been passed down for 3 generations, or theoretically 60 years, who thought it WAS the Africans causing the fish such unhappiness. He set about to change that.
He went into Africa with a large weapon. The precursor to the Jati-Matic. It had been called, for lack of a better noun: The Human Eraser. The weapon was pure glory. Although it's invention would soon perish along with every other inhabitant of the planet earth, in less than seven hours from the time which this story happened.
Listen: Appleston Wilberby Bottomless III went into Africa with this weapon, and he shot every damned African he saw. He killed them all. He shot and shot and shot off squares of compacted uranium, until all of Africa was splattered with uranium pellets, radioactivity, blood, and dead people, and dead people's dead children.
Did they care? No! They were dead!
Did the fish care? No. They would kill everyone.
Did Appleston Wilberby Bottomless III care? No. Because after he had shot all of these damned "Africans who fucked too much!" he turned the gun on himself, and fired it into his eyeball.
He was fortuneate. It saved him the excrucuating pain that everyone else felt when the world really did end.
Those damned fish!
Bargaining for life
The people begun bargaining with the great gods of the land but to no avail. Then they started to gateher all the people who had Aids or Sids or any other disease, but they did not traet them like people they treated them like animals and sent them off to concentartion camps, in order to try and bring the god's favour back with the NORMAL people of the society.
One by one the people (outcasts) were sent into great incenerators to try and win back the gods favour. As the numbers of outcasts dwindled and only a day or two to go the gods decended to the people and,
The gods decended to the people and, not surprisingly enough, also ignored the fish. You see, even the gods would soon perish. They had let the people of earth coax them down to the doomed planet and were on it when it ended.
Even gods can die.
Damn those fish.
"But what did the fish do!?" cried an omniperilous lot, who were already dead. Their question was ignored. They were dead. Not many people can talk to dead people. Especially when all the people were dead.
Those damned Arficans were fucking the fish! It was the Africans! They made the fish mad!
It was not the Africans.
Why did the fish do it?
Nevermind.
They did it. That is all you need to know.
In two days time, you will be dead, along with me. Along with this manuscript which I am writing. We will all be dead!
Those damned damned damned fish!
Oddly, within the last two hours of the earth's feeble existence, people realised it was really over. They knew it was the fish. They didn't know how, why, or even where, but they knew it was the fish.
Mayhem insued. Not abnormal for a planet whose existence is being shattered as we speak. It was known as the great Gold Fish Holocaust! For the 30 minutes remaining after it happened until the end of time as everyone knew it.
For you see a great need of importance was issued. No name musicians were suddenly given billion dollar recording contracts-- not that they'd ever make it to the studio.
Useless actors were immortalised with great statues, and lots of money.
The homeless were assigned homes.
The Starving had a feast.
The nuns had sex.
All of this happened AFTER the Great Gold Fish Holocaust. All of this happened in 30 minutes. Suprisingly, making our last dying breath to say one thing, "Holy shit! We were pretty together all along and never really knew it. What a damned waste. Fuck you, fish." and then it ended.
All of this on the tails of the Great Gold Fish Holocaust.
The Great Gold Fish Holocaust occured when people realised it was the fish. They suddenly remembered their neighbours, George, Harriet, and their wonderful two kids: Michael, and George jr. They then remembered that George jr. owned goldfish.
Every person who was known to own a goldfish, every pet store that had ever carried goldfish, every shopping mall with goldfish in it's little ponds: All wiped out. Everyone there, and all of the goldfish.
All of that happened in 5 minutes of realisation. 10 mintues of travel, 10 minutes of killing everything, and 5 minutes of purges.
"The cats made us do it." was the final response to a massacre which saw over 13 million people die, and 10 million goldfish in 15 minutes.
Were the fish trying to get revenge on the cats?
Maybe. No one knows.
No one will ever know why the fish did it.
Those damned damned damned fish.
Even now, only having two days left, I still can't believe it. Its just so hard to try to force your brain into excepting the idea as a fact. But I did manage to do that. I managed to convince my brain that it was the fish.
My brain? What did it have to say about it? Simple. "Fuuck! Damn those fish." And then the world ended. But again, I am leaping ahead. There is still two days til I am able to convince my brain. This is what my brain says now. "No. It can't be." I say, "Yes. Its true. Its those damned fish." My brain reverts back to the original statement "No. It can't be." I then grab my brain by the neck, twist it about several times and shout, "Damn you! Its true. Why won't you listen to me???" My brain? It answered my cry of violence like this "FUck you! You can't even expect me to believe that! It couldn't have been the fish!"
This just goes to show you how stupid your brain is.
Of course the brain is nothing more than a tool. Apparently, most were led to believe that the fish controlled their brains. Many wanted to start an anti-fish campaign, but in the all the rush.. the goldfish holocaust, the starving being fed, and all the togetherness suddenly created, there just was no time to protest the fish ending the world.
Of course there was one thing proved by the whole end of the world drama: There was no such thing as a deficit. All of these countries, when they decided that they were -340 trillion in the hole, suddenly realised that no one was ever going to pay anything back, and that they never had to. Therefore, all debt was cancelled, and suddenly there was little need for taxation, so the minister of finance, actually released a new tax form which decreed a 3% taxation rate, on ALL being rich, poor or middle class.
It of course was useless. As was everything else done in the last two days of duress. A cure for Cancer and a mere five minutes before the world actually ended, it was rumoured that AIDS, LIDS, and CIDS were nothing more than mental diseases, not transmitted sexually at all, and in fact, had nothing to do with people sticking their penises in the anal orifices of green monkeys.
The world reached a stage of productive Utopia within five minutes of ultimate death. There were philosophers who thought that this was why the fish were ending the world: We had reached Utopia.
That, of course, wasn't it. The world had never been close to a Utopia before those final two days, and it is highly skepticised, even though we are all dead, that the fish would have realised that we'd collect our shit, and get it all together so quickly, and well.
In fact unilateral disarmament came after a long arguement between all of the world's Super Powers. They were arguing on whether it would be prosperous to nuke the fish, or not.
One warhawk, from the Greater American Colony, a vastly large country immediately north of the actual United States of America, claimed that they should, "Nuke 'em 'til they glow, then shoot 'em in the dark." However, this was passed off as another person who had seen too many Rambo's Great Grandchild movies.
One of the littlest known things about the end of the world, this is mere trivia, and is completely incidental, though, is that the last movie ever played on the planet was the special sneak preview of Batman part CLXXII, where Batman kills off the Great Fishman. It was filmed in two hours, and was a complete failure, since only three people were actually watching it as the world ended.
"Damn those fish!" Incidentally, was the last line in that film. Unfortuneately, the film never did screen that far. The last line said in th entire existence of the planet was, "I'll cut you, man."
How odd. How odd indeed.
I'll bet those damn fish were fucking the Africans.
It is odd.
The planet began like this: There was a large fish. ('ah ha,' said the world, for they finnally knew the true answer the the ultimate question. And they also said 'How odd,' for it was odd, that the world ended in the same basic way it began)
From this fish, somehow evolved an entire world, from which the entire Roman army came about. They then fought for some time... taking over Gaul, the mediterainian, and England. They then all died.Nazi Germany rose, stated that they would last 1000 years, and then died. In fact, they died so quickly that they didn't have a chance to say "Oh yes, by the way, about that 1000 year thing... I guess we lied." Then I got drunk in a park, met a slut named Tina, who later ran off with this giant named Luke. I was then walking to the bus, got stopped by the police, had a little chat, got called "a low haired faggot' by the skinhead I was with and was then blamed for every problem the world had ever had. The cop (or pig) took my booze a and drove off. I went home. Then somewhere after that the world got destroyed.
Can you believe it?
And all because of those damned fish! Fuck.
I bet they are not only fucking the Africans, but Filing Cabnet Sandy AND the slut named Tina as well. Damn those fish.
There is a question which needs to be asked.
Were the fish happy on Earth? Would they have rather lived anywhere else? Were they just unhappy with the Africans sticking their little penises up their anal passages? Did they dislike the pollution in the water? Or was it that they liked that an awful lot, got used to it, and then suddenly, too suddenly for their adaptation, man discovered Utopia?
Were they afraid that they would die in a perfect society, and become extinct like so many other creatures in the world? Perhaps. No one knows.
It is said though, that the entire Utopian creation happened from one mind.
That was the mind of a man born to the name of Gerald William McKinley, of Birmingham, England. He was known to the people around him as, "Gibberish Gerald," or "Wild Willie", or "Baneful Bill," or "Meathead McKinley." the latter being the most common name for him.
A conference had been called to discuss unilateral disarmament in Oslo, Sweden. President Klayton was there, of America, and Premier Smith, of Russia was there as well.
Suddenly a large bang was heard, and the two superpowers thought for a moment that someone had nuked them! Smoke plumed in billows into the room. And there, emerging from the clouds of smoke, was, "Meathead McKinley."
"What the hell are you doing here?" an incensed premier demanded.
"I am here to save the world," said Gerald McKinley, precisely two days before the world would end.
"That, my good man, is what we are trying to do." said Klayton.
"No, no, no, no.. You don't understand," blustered McKinley.
"Listen, asshole. We know we are sitting on a precarious situation with all of these nuclear warheads! Somone planted a bomb on my jet today, to try and stop it. Fortuneately I hate jets, and took a Sessna." Said Smith.
"You hate jets? I hate Sessnas," replied Klayton.
"Really? No I much prefer to be in something with less combustible---"
"Shut the fuck up!" burst McKinley. He then droned on for two hours about how the fish spoke to him, and this fish had said an important thing. He spoke to the president, and premier, and he was earnest.
After he had spoken for about an hour and a half, an armed guard, came an peered into the window, to see if the premier and president were okay, or if one had killed the other, in their sound tight, air tight chamber.
He escorted Meathead McKinley out, but not before the message had been beaten in. A state of world terror occured.
The last thing asked of McKinley was this: "How did you get into an air-tight chamber like that?"
His reply: "Extreme measures call for extreme action. The fish let me."
Thus total chaos ensued, to be followed by Utopia for five minutes, and the a huge disruption as the Earth, and all of it's beings died.
Incidentally, the fish that spoke to McKinley said this: "Get your shit together, man. You're going to die."
No one ever suspected that the fish meant only McKinley.
I find it rather amusing that there is all this talk about fish and their r relation to the end of the world. Why do I find it amusing? It should almost be obvious, and perhaps also Ironic. Some have even gone as far as to say that it was poetic justice, where still others claim it is poetically just. Others, with large bums, have said it was just poetic.
My mother has claimed that it wasn't poetic at all. She says its more like a large pile of cheese, covered subtly with the bodies of all the babies killed in the second world war. Personally I have no idea what my mother is talking about.
She once said this. "It is wasn't so bad, then maybe it would be good."
Then, suddenly she said this. "Both me and your father are virgins."
My mother is quite a silly lady, and a virgin to top it all off.
But to add the final cherry on the cake, those fish never did like my mother. I found her one day, strangled.
Damn those fish.
One might ask me how a fish could have strangulated my mother. I would simply reply to them that fish have appendages like anyone else. But the fish that strangled my mother was dead-- but it knew what it was doing!
Oh did it know!
She was at a restaurant. The dead fish etched itself into her throat with it's death-grip. She choked. A man tried the heimlich manoeuver, but mother had taken karate, and was so shocked that a man was trying to feel her up while she choked to death, that she beat him silly.
That man was Meathead McKinley, by the way. That had been his pet fish, Harold, the fish. He wasn't trying to save my mother. He wanted Harold the fish back, so that he could flush Harold down the toilet, and give him a proper burial.
Damn fish!
Then my mother was dead. I was alone. There were still two days before the end of the world. My father had died a few days before, in a most bizaare accident. He was hit by a large car, at the same time that a helicopter crashed on top of him, and in that instant a lighting bolt struck him in the top of the skull.
5 seconds later, after my father, a car driver, a heli-copter pilot, and his passenger, an advertisting lady by the name of Brenda Webb, who had had sex with over 200 men in the last three weeks, were all dead, an alien from a foreign planet landed in a field adjacent to the roadway.
Here he spoke with the world's only talking cow, which, incidentally, was aobut 300 metres away from Jesus Christ, who had been crucified just days before.
It seemed that Christ had come back to Earth, to warn about the dangers of the fish. He was caught by a farmer, who was an extreme athiest, and who couldn't stand the thought of there actually _BEING_ a Christ, son of God, so he crucified him on sight.
It never even made the news.
I made a stiff rum, vodka, coca-cola concoction that a dead punker had once drank in a night-club where I was at the time, and I gulped it, turned on the television, watched a show about marine life, and fell asleep during an extended commercial break.
I dreamt about the end of the world, and the fish.
The next day, Meathead McKinley was on the front page of the paper.
The beginning of the end had started to end, just before it ceased to begin. IT was so much that the abortion rate tripled in a half an hour. However, the abortion rate was nil by the time the world would end.
After all, it was a utopia. No one was really pregnant after all-- although the fish did the ultimate punishment on us all. They castroated every male! Tied the fallopians of every female! And crucified every child be born, before it was born! They killed us all!
Those damned fish!
It was funny about Christ. You see, he truely did believe that he was a son of some divine entity, who with ultimate wisdom did wish to crush the world, unless of course, Christ managed to stop them.
Christ was in fact, really Joe Samons, an ex-diary farmer from the town of Wilswith, Texas. He had been hit by a lightning bolt, and had thus assumed, obviously, that he was christ.
It was thus Joe's (Christ's) fault that he was cruified by the farmer soon after talking to the cow.
"If you'r such a big atheist," said Joe, aka Christ. "Then you would stick me up on a cross right now and watch me die like a pig!"
"No I wouldn't," said the famer athiest.
"Chicken!" Said Joe. "Chicken! Come on you big athiest. I just dare you."
Thus, Christ was once again stuck on a stick.
How amazing it is that Joe was in fact, a relative of the first Christ, who, contrary to popular belief, was basically related to every single damn person in the world, seeing how his mother was a big slut. "Mary the Slut" was her name. "The slut of Vlore, Albania" was what else she was called.
How amazingly odd it is that people thought that Christ and his slut mother came from Isreal. An accident in translation about 1865 years ago made by a silly man, switched Albania with Isreal. Oh well.
You might just call me a blasphmous dog.
Hey! Its all true.
And if you don't believe me, just ask those damned fish.
Then you are persuaded to ask yourself one simple question: If there is no God, and there was no Christ, then Who instilled the drive into the fish to end the world?
Most say that it was caviar. The experts say that it was caviar and marbles.
Marbles?
Marbles.
You see marbles resemble fish eyes, but more than that, they represent one of the cruelest of games ever played by the fish's great enemy: The now extinct wallo-wallie BIGTHINGY as it was known. It became extinct of its own stupidity in the Australopithecus era. The Bigthingy as they knew it, hated the fish, and it use to play a game, quite similiar to marbles, using fish.
Living fish.
The Bigthingy was a large creature, furry, and larger than man-sized, with the equivalent intelligence of a grain of dirt. The game was comprised of taking a fish's head, and kicking it, into a stack of other fish heads.
Of course, because cutting off a fish head was so gory (and it was a well known fact that the Bigthingy's were squeamish), they just played with living fish, and then, when every bone had been broken in the fish's body, and it had virtually suffocated to death, it was thrown in the water, where it actually drowned.
This game was the precursor to marbles.
The Bigthingys passed it on, as their only gift to man. There are some scientists who believe that the Bigthingys actually did evolve ever so slightly. This is their only explanation for Talea and Clothahump. A huge dumb lummox of a woman (woman?), and a male without a penis. It was rumoured that CLothahump was the failed experiment of mating between humans and amoeba, but that was never proven.
And it never would be, because humans took the fish's eggs, too. Or so it was believed. We were eating their children. And after the male had spewed semen all over them for so long, just to make them fertile, along we came, in our marvellous wisdom, and stole these sleeping babies, and ate them.
Cannibals! Is what we thought the fish had thought.
That was why Meathead McKinley was sent to try and salvage the damage we had done to the fish. Unfortuneately, he was hung up in traffic, and he never did make it to the beach to talk the fish out of ending the world.
Bloody bastards probably would strangulated him, too. Our only ally. The only man who dared to warn us about the fish.
Those damned fish!
Callous screaming bastards!
Fish are odd creatures, but are not too keen on Masterbation. There has only been one sighting of a fish masterbating in the history of mankind. This sighting is recorded, word by word, in a great sacrid book.
The fish was seen by a one Alfred Wilbler, who was fishing.
Mr. Wilbler saw the fish running (or swimming as fish do, but Wlbler stated in his great fish masterbation speach of 1765 that it was running) over a pile of marbels. Upon closer examination, Wilber discovered that the fish was spewing out semen all over the marbels, and thus concluded that the fish was, indeed, masterbating.
As a little side note: Mr. Wilber was seen masterbating many times by the local fish of the area. They, however, did not give a speach about it.
Oddly, at that given time, Albert Wilber was little more than a fish himself. In an odd sort of way. He was a fish. He basically did what everyone else did.. he followed. Everyone in society is a fish to a certain extent. Living for one purpose: To release the egg, or to inseminate it.
The fish knew this. The fish realised that humans were nothing more than they were, and thus, the fish had concluded that they were nothing more than humans. Perhaps that was why the world ended. Perhaps the fish could not stand being so much like humans.
There is an incident in life, which should be brought up, as an important feature for us all: Masturbation.
There have been some great masturbaters in life. MOst of them being male, but some being female. The most notable of the females are: Genevieve LaFreniere, of Quebec City, Quebec, Canada. She masturbated 19 times daily, and most of the time, she did it by rotating a large globe inside of her pelvic opening. She smiled alot.
Another great notable was Nancy Reagan. She preached, "Just say No", but most of the time, she would get completely wailed on a couple of 'ludes, and she would start caressing an area that was very prone to stimulus response.. forcing orgasm. That was not what was extraordinary, though. It was that Mrs. Reagan did it with a large scrub brush that was abnormal.
Among the male greats, there is Albert Wilbur. He masturbated so often that his hands were often calloused, and blistered. His penis bled often, and it was inevitably rendering permanently limp.
Adolf Hitler was another famous Masturbator, but he was a true ingenue at it. He found a large mortar cannon, which he could fit his penis into snugly. He used that. He used that cannon 8 times daily.. he even had it specially fitted into the podium from which he spoke. Quite often, Hitler was masturbating while he gave speeches. Alot of the time, the people said, "Heil Hitler!" just as he came. This was odd, but only Hitler knew it.
Of course, the cannon was ruined. It was tested one day, and a large amount of gloop spewed over the American forces at Dieppe.
Another great male masturbator was called Liberace. Although instead of running anything along his penis, he would stick things up his anal cavity to produce a stimulus effect. He didn't reach orgasm, but the effect was the same. A little known fact is that Liberace often stuck fish up his anus, because he liked the way the squiggled and felt.
Liberace was a raving queen.
Some people would masterbate infront of other people to gain some sort of reward, usually in the form of little pieces of paper witht the smiling head of some monarch printed on it.
I knew this one girl who could somehow use her pevic apparatus to blow up ballons. Of course, I suspected that she had infact, inserted a small gas cannister into her vagina.
An interesting note: The Vagina is a part of a woman that is located between her legs. It has two purposes. One: She may excrete her bodily wastes through it. Two: She may get a man to stick the tool he uses to excrete his liquid bodily watse, filled completely up with blood, into this hole and to "swish" it around in there for a while. The man will then make an imitation of a squeaky hinge and then send a sticky white liquid into this hole through the tool which is filled with blood and is usually used to pee out of. The stickly liquid will then race up a into the woman's body, where it will meet one cell which the woman has released and will then make a baby out of that.
The man will then do something which is called "Skipping town" while the woman puts on a lot of weight.
Suddenly, after nine or so months, the woman will begin to scream and shout as if there was something wrong with her stomach.
She will go to a doctor. He will look in the hole between her legs and say "Oh yes. Now I know what the problem is." He will not stick his utensile for peeing out of into her. Instead he will reach inside and pull out a virus of sorts. The virus that was causing her so much pain is called a child.
The child is then taking home with the woman, where she treats it very nicely for some time.
Then the child starts acting the way the woman does not like it to act, so she will not treat it nicely anymore.
The child will leave the house of the woman's and will be found sometime later with a needle filled with some sort of drug stuck in his lifeless arm.
The woman will then blame herself and never smile again.
This is called "THE BIRDS AND THE BEES"
Another interesting fact, about that hole which excretes bodily wastes, called the vagina (not the wastes, the hole). I once visited Cyprus, an island, off of the mainland of Greece. There was a woman there, in a nightclub. She was dancing on a stage, when for some inexplicable reason, she inserted a roll of American Quarters into her vaginal hole. This was about $5 worth of quarters, or 20, for those who can't figure out that there are 4 quarters to the dollar.
She then began to shoot these quarters by thrusting her pelvic muscles. She would shoot quarters around the bar, into the full beer mugs of the excited patrons.
It was quite disturbing, and failed to stimulate me, whatsoever. Stimulation is when the male tool, which usually goes pee, becomes engorged with blood, and expands in size, to an average of 5 1/4 inches long. This tool is then used in the purpose mentioned in chapter 17, or used for masturbation, which was covered in chapters 15, and 16.
In retrospect, when you look at all the world's masturbation, and fucking, and babies.. it's not such a bad thing that the fish destroyed the world..
Damn those fish! Maybe they had something afterall...
Was there something about those most damned fish that would make a man go after (and by after, I mean, want to stick the tongue down the throat of a... ) underaged girl?
"Oh thou most foul creature," would cry the several old ladies who stood on the corner as that before mentioned man past. "Picking them out of the cradle!" They would shout. He would simply pull up his collar as if to protect himself from the wind, and ignore them. Ignore then, that is, for the time being. Later, he would seek them out and tie them up with the moist fleshly cords that once connected baby to mother. Tie them up nice and cruel like.
Oh this was a nasty sort. He was the sort to go around and punch fat cows in the face and then laugh about it later. "HA HA HA HA HA," he would laugh.
And now, my poor child, he is after you. He wants to wrip out your throat, do nasty things to your mother, and then pee on your porch. FEAR HIM!!
Those fucking fish!
I'll never forgive them.
An odd fact: He in the above chapter never had fish. In fact, he was the only fishless man to ever live. The only person in the world who had never had, nor eaten, nor seen, nor knew what a fish was. That was why he was particularily mad about the fish having caused all this. Because he had never seen on. But that is a good thing, for if he had, he probably would have masturbated.
Oh, those cunning damn fish!
Another odd fact: There once was a man who never masterbated. He is now dead. He was killed, in fact, due to the fact that he never masterbated, although the killers didn't know that , they also didn't know that I knew that they masterbated. They did after all, quite regularily. And they usually did it in groups of five to seven. One day they killed a man, this was the man who never masterbated. And as a joke, they stuck him up on a cross. They found this very funny. The man soon died. He of course, didn't. Didn't find it funny.
The men later claimed that fish had made them kill the man.
I believe them. Damn those fish!
For almost two thousand years, a bunch of people (of course, not the same people, for they died and were replaced with fresh people (some of which, really smelt)) worshipped a man who they called Christ.
Here is an interesting fact: Christ was known to masterbate a lot. In fact, it is believed that it is because of this that he got his name.
Let me explain. He would masterbate whenever he felt like it. In his home, walking down a road, talking to friends, eating, etc. Now people didn't want to upset him, or his mother, who, because she was a slut, had many large men always around her. They were there to get their penis and stick it between her legs. They enjoyed doing that. They also would listen to her. If she said, "Beat him senseless" and pointed at some guy, they would, hoping that she would let then stick their penis into her more often.
So people didn't say anything about her son, who was spreading his sticky "love" over everything.
But one day a stranger came to town. He noticed the kid masterbating as he was walking down the road. He saw the kid again and again in the next day and every time, the kid was masterbating.
Finnally the man saw the kid eating dinner, slapping his dick like a mad man. The man said this to the woman next to him. "Christ, he masterbates a lot."
The woman took it litterally and thus assumed that for one to be Christ, one would have to masterbate a lot. She then saw the kid who was masterbating and put one and one together.
She told two friend, and they told two friends, and so on and so on.
And today. We have the modern religion known as Christianity. Isn't it all rather wonderful?
It would be, if it wasn't for those damned fish!
The world realized that religion was stupid twenty minutes before the end of it all. They realized that they had spent two thousand years (not them personaly, but them, the people they had refreshed, and the people those people had refreshed, etc. etc.(by refreshed, I mean replaced, rewarded(?))) worshiping some masturbating kid. And everytime they masturbaed, they felt guilty over it, doing it in the presence of this guy, who they thought was pure, but was nothing more than Jesus "Lube-Man" Christ.
But the question still remained,
WHY!?! Why had the fish done this? Simon was a fish. Simon was a very nice fish. I used to go around saying "simon is the fish of my life", and people thought that that was very sweet. I used to fuck Simon. I am a fucking African. It was because of me I have to admit. I used to fuck Simo a lot, and one day I saw how sad he looked, so I got up from my game of marbles, and took simon to the ocean, and let him go...
Simon led the fish into destroying the world, destroying everything we dnow and love.
Damn those fish! Damn Simon! Damn me!!
But most of all, Damn those fish!
Woman should have a penis of their own, for at least a couple of days. During these couple of days, which would of course, become national holidays, they would do nothing that did not involved their penis. They would sit and wack off for hours on end. Then they would have to go and fuck someone. Then they might go and fuck a fish or two.
This, although too late now, would have made the world a better place.
Why?
Simple. Women would then know how to handle the penis. They would know what is good and what is bad.
They would know that rubbing a penis on a brick is bad.
Wouldn't it have been easier if only woman could listen? If only they could understand. Then they wouldn't need a penis of their own.
One could simply say, "Don't rub my penis on that brick. Its not fun."
But women are women. I won't blame them.
I'll blame those fucking fish!
It takes about eight seconds for a ray of light from the sun to hit the earth. Thus every time you look at the sun, you are looking at the sun as it was eight seconds before you looked at it. It could no longer exist for all you know. It might have simply disappeared. It might have suddenly decided that it no longer wished to be the sun at all, that it had chosen wrongly its carree and decided to go into dentistry.
You would look at the sun, say "What a nice day." Turn around and walk. One step. Two steps. Three steps. Four Steps. (let us assume that it takes you one second to one one step.) Five Steps. Six Steps. Seven steps. Eight Steps. BANG. The lights go out.
Damn those fish.
Some of you may have noticed that odd reference to fish at the end of most
of the prior chapters. I'm sure you've been asking yourself, while
masturbating with one hand while the other hits the P key "What is it
Important fact #1: Fish are sea creatures.
Important fact #2: Sea covers the greatest portion of this planet's
surface.
Important fact #3: There is no important fact #3.
If you reflect on these facts, you will see that fish have to be the
dominant species on this planet. Due to some beaurocratic bungle during
the Creation, this was overlooked and some fool placed man in that
position. As with all such errors, one has to blunder through endless red
tape to correct it. The people at Creations-R-Us have been working on it
for several millenia now and finally came up with a solution. You or I
could have figured this out over a filet-o-fish at your nearest MacDonalds
but you know these beaurocrats.
Give the world to the fish...
Isn't it odd that though fish spend most of their life in the water, none
have ever gone as far as the Olympics in any of the vast number of water
sports. It would seem obvious to me that fish would do much better than
silly looking humans in the water.
What are those damned fish up to?
BUT, they thought, sullenly, over the Earth's last meal, while sitting at a
very, very, very large table indeed, what if the fish masturbate? What if
the fish WANT to masturbate, but can't because they have fins as hands?
This brings up an interesting point: Because women know nothing about how
it feels to have a penis smashed against a brick, it would also stand to
reason that a fish can only masturbate by banging it's wonker against a
rock, or brick underwater.
This would hurt.
This would not stimulate anyone.
This would hurt alot.
The fundamental reasoning behind masturbating is ejaculation.
Ejaculation is fun, and feels good, and nice, and pleasant, rather better
than falling asleep in the middle of summer with the sun in your face.
By bashing your penis into a brick, you are not having fun, nor are you
ejaculating. Nor is it as good as a pleasant summer's nap.
This stands to reason that the fish did not enjoy not being able to
masturbe, because when they tried, their Weenie's were shortened.
Have you ever looked at a fish? They have small penises. They really can't
afford to have their penises bashed to a shorter size.
Which brings up an interesting point about the man who did masturbate by
banging a brick against his penis. However, he was also a fish in his
previos life, so it didn't really matter.
This man's name was Rocco "Don't call me Brian" LaRoque. He thought he was
cool. He would masturbate with a brick during large parties, thinking that
it would attract some female into fucking him. Rocco LaRoque was an
ignoramis the typical IQ of one who french kisses 13 year olds.
The fish didn't french kiss 13 year olds, but they did end the world.
Damned Fish! Just where did they come from, anyway?
It would have been odd if Hitler was alive when the world ended. The truth
is, of course, he was dead.
Just before the world burst into flames a woman looked out of her
window. (Well, she wasn't really a woman, since she was only 13 years old,
and had the bum to prove it!) She did not know why she suddenly decided to
rise from the chair that she was sitting on. She did not know why she drew
back the curtains. She did not know why she suddenly cried out, "HEY!
Look! Its Hitler."
It was all very odd.
What was even odder, and would have plagued her to her death (which it
really did, seeing how her life would so abruptly end, along with the
world) is that her nipples suddenly, upon issuing those words, became as
hard as diamonds and cut into the glass that was her window.
"Its fucking Hitler, and there's Stalin right next to him!"
It was all very odd.
What was even odder, to top off the oddities, was that Hitler wasn't
there at all. He WAS dead. So was Stalin, now that you mention it.
But this poor girl insisted.
She was going crazy.
But alas, she never did become crazy, only attempted it. The reason
she failed had nothing what so ever to do with her. She most likely would
have succeeded. But the world ended before she could.
The last thing she saw was three SS divisions, all in their underpants.
It was rather odd.
[Simulate Line Noise for 15 lines.]
Marvin Sharpe, of course was a flaming homo. This came as no suprise.
In fact most of the world's better author's at that time were either
queens, or flaming homos. It seemed to be, to them at any rate, that having
someone stuff a penis up their butt, or a large cylinder, or a hairbrush,
or a car battery, etc, was a good idea, and helped to stimulate thought.
All it really did was rip their anal passages so that when they took a
dump, it was rather formless, and drippy, and red. Lots of red.
This of course had nothing to do with red.
One of the wrong homosexual hypotheses about how the world would end, did,
ironically, deal with the fish as well.
It said that the fish were the smartest of creatures upon the earth. In
fact, the starfish was the most intelligent of all fish-- of course, the
star fish had no penis, only an anal hole, and this made the homos very
happy indeed.
The tale further went on to exemplify the usuage of fish, by a girl,
named, Mary. Mary was a fat, obese cow. Mary would stick fish up her
vaginal hole, and swish them around in there. Mary got great pleasure out
of this.
The fish thought they were wrongfully sent to the gas chamber.
They were outraged, and they ended the world, for the cause of freedom.
Mary, of course, had already died by that time in the story. Some violent
punker, who played guitar, rather sadly, and who was a noisician, kicked
the living hell out of her, eventually stuffing her glasses up her vagina,
followed by the rear end of a Volkswagen.
This made Mary very happy. What made her sad, was when the violent punker
started up the car, and Mary was trapped with the exhaust pipe of a
Volkswagn stuffed into her. She died of carbon monoxide poisoning of the
blood stream 4 seconds before she blew up into a million little bits.
But not before eating half of her HUMOUNGOUS fat stomach, from the
emaciatin tendencies of carbon monoxide poisoning. It was all terribly
tragic.
Her death was mourned by Pagans.
Celebrated by the fish.
Sometimes the fish were actually alright. But that was fiction. In real
life everyone knows that the fish are bastards.
Damn those fish.
The fish saw everything going according to plan. "Everything is going
according to plan," they would say to one another, in voices only other
fish could hear, "Except for that Hitler bit."
Oddly enough, the fish were referring to one Arthur Hitler, who, just
seconds before he was scheduled to die, discovered, hidden beneath a pile
of sperm covered marbles, a tiny shopping list. The shopping list
contained the things the fish would need to end the world, but Arthur
Hitler didn't know that. Arthur didn't know much at all, but he especially
didn't know how to read fish shopping lists.
The first item on the list, which Arthur couldn't read, was
'batteries.... lots and lots of them'
After using the shopping list to masturbate for a few hours, he was
suddenly relieved of his remaining thoughts and life by a group of killer
guppies, who nibbled him to death, starting at his.... Well, let's just say
he enjoyed it for just a little while, but quickly began to find it rather
unpleasant, and, eventually, quite fatal.
This is what a lot of people said, "Those damn fucking Nazis." They
said this of course, after the second world war was over. "They almost
destroyed the world."
Of course, this is in fact, totally false.
This is what the Nazis did. They almost took over all of Europe. They
almost invaded Britian. They stuck a lot of people into trucks or small
rooms and then filled the trucks, or small rooms full of Zyklon-B.
The people in the roomed breathed in the Zyklon-B and then stopped
breathing. It was the Zyklon-B that did that.
The people would have fallen to the floor, but there wasn't enough
space. They had been shoved very tightly into the room or truck, so there
was no where to fall. It didn't matter much, they were dead anyways.
This is what people called the Jewish Holocaust.
The truth is, it was not only people who were concidered jews who were
stuck into the small rooms or trucks, but Communists, enemies of the Nazi
state and homosexuals (many of which wrote, but stopped once they entered
the truck or small room)
This is what Holocaust means: A wholesale sacrifice of life, or
general destruction.
After the war was over, everyone got the people who had stuck the
people into the trucks or small rooms and either shot them, or tied a rope
around their neck and removed the floor.
In other words, they killed them.
They called it War Crimes.
A Note: Only 6 or so million people were killed this way.
Another Note: So far, well over 60 million Buffalo have been killed by
the Canadian or American government, or by people living in those two
countries.
One more Note: Not one of the people who have killed the Buffalo have
have stood trial for War Crimes.
So now think. The Nazis killed 6 million or so. People killed 60
million Buffalo.
The fish though! They destroyed the damn world.
Damn those fucking fish!
I'd rather have a Nazi or a Buffalo killer stick his penis up my ass
than have a fish do it.
In fact, I'd rather have a Buffalo stick his penis up my ass.
I don't even want to see another fish for as long as I live.
What about you, you bastard?
An interesting note about Zyklon-B: Zyklon-B was first used by someone
named Rudolf Hoss.
An interesting note about Rudolf Hoss: Some people think that Rudolf Hoss
was not a very nice man. They might just be right.
An interesting note about what Rudolf Hoss thought about himself: Hoss
resented any suggestion that he was a "nasty man". Some people thought he
was a Sadist. He didn't think so. This is what he wrote in his
autobiography: "I am completely normal. I led a completely normal life."
An interesting note about what some people think about what Rudolf Hoss
thought about himself: They think we was wrong. Some of them convinced
others that he was wrong. They convinced others to tie a little rope
around Hoss's neck and then remove the ground from underneith him.
An interesting note about what Gravity thought about Rudolf Hoss: Gravity
didn't like Rudolf floating in the air with a rope tied around his neck.
Gravity didn't care about how many people he had killed. Gravity didn't
even care how large Rudolf Hoss's penis was. Gravity was only concerned
with one thing. It was that Rudolf was floating in the air.
An interesting note about what Gravity did to Rudolf Hoss: Gravity gave
Rudolf Hoss a big pull. Gravity pulled Hoss down.
An interesting note about how Rudolf Hoss's body reacted to Gravity:
Rudolf Hoss's body decided to let Gravity have its way. Rudolf Hoss's body
let itself be pulled down. Rudolf Hoss's body fell downwards.
An interesting note about what the rope had to say about the entire
situation: The rope that was tied around Rudold Hoss's neck didn't mind
that Rudolf Hoss's body was being pulled down. It let the body to it, to a
certain extent. After a while the rope changed its mind. It decided that
Rudolf Hoss's body should remain in the air and did its best to argue with
Gravity.
An interesting note about what Rudolf Hoss's neck had to say at this point:
Rudolf Hoss's neck said this when Gravity and the rope started to argue,
"Snap."
An interesting note: Rudolf Hoss's neck said "Snap" in 1947. Rudolf
Hoss's body then decided that it should just stop doing everything it was
doing, such as breathing. Rudolf Hoss then died. Oh well.
There were fish in 1947 too. Damn those fish!
Funny, those fish, what thought RUDOLF as his body being an arbitrator
between the rope and gravity. An "elemental" fish gathered the most
"seminal" of Dear Rudolf's last ejaculations as his body for a brief instant
held the rope and gravity in check. The surrounding throng of watchers,
started singing a pleasant little song as all this was transpiring. It went
something like this:
"Rudolf the red nosed Nazi, had a very wet crotch.
And he died quite nicely, unlike his murderous boss."
"If he had been Von Braun, his neck would not have gone CRACK.
Instead he would be a hero, developing missiles for SAC !"
The "elemental" fish drew back the fluid in its guills, found it's strength
outstanding and proceeded to explode. Some things are just not ment to be
contained, even by FISH !
*--- Note slight altrication in chapter order. ---*
Alexander the great started his march into Persia in 334 BC. This is what
he did.: He kicked Darius's ass. He beat him everywhere he went. He went
through what is now Turkey and the Isreal. Then he went through Eqypt.
Then he went west and ended up at India. No one could beat Alexander the
Great, no one.
And then he made a mistake.
He fought the fish, and lost.
The fish killed Alexander the great damn it!
And I don't think it stops at him.
Those damned fucking fish!
One day, me and a bunch of my friends decided to go to a park and "do
some fish".
By "do some fish" I do not mean that we intended to stick our penis's up
the fish (for not all of us had penis's. For you see, some of "us" were
woman)
We intended to smoke the fish and get a buzz. It seemed like a good way
to spend a Saterday evening.
So there we were, and I pulled out my fish (not my penis, it sat in my
pants and wimpered) and lit it up.
"Pigs!" someone yelled. By "pigs" I mean and so did he, Police
Officers. The Police Officers wanted to take our fish and then take us and
put us into a little small room, for a long period of time.
We didn't want to have our fish taken away.
But more importantly, we didn't want to be locked in a small room.
If we were caught with the fish, we would indeed go into the small room.
Someone stated that there were usually large black men in the small room
and these large black me would want to stick their penis's up our buts.
This did not appeal to us.
We ran like the wind.
I left my fish by a tree, hoping to retreave it later.
I didn't.
That damned fish is most likly still by the tree.
I could really go for a fish now.
Rudolph Hess claimed to be a completely normal man.
There are fish sitting by a tree.
Mary is still fat and ugly.
Alexander the Great, and Hitler are both dead.
The Earth still exists.
It is 6:00AM the morning that the world is to end. For Wilbur Excrement VII
it is another damned Monday. All he could think was this: "Those fucking
Africans are fucking each other at a fucking break neck pace, and they are
going to end the world."
Wilbur was a potato farmer. He also had a pond in his backyard. He looked
out the window, and he saw some early birds catching some worms. He also
saw something which seemed quite strange to him.
He saw a trout (his pond was stocked with them) carrying a car battery
into the water. This struck Mr. Excrement as a trite bit odd. Usually fish
don't go out of the water, unless they are dragged out by a hook, and they
most certainly do NOT go around carrying car batteries.
Sadly he said nothing about this.
Over 140000 people had seen fish carrying car batteries, eggs, sugar,
microwave ovens, and the like, into the water that morning, and none of
them had said anything, because they thought they were normal. There was
one exception. Her name was Susan Analcavity.
Susan went to her local newspaper, and she reported having seen a train of
fish, "A whole fucking fleet of them!" carrying various everyday items into
the waters by her beach home. The papers were polite, but after she had
left, they stood there laughing, and calling her a loon.
Susan Analcavity was a terribly normal person. Much more normal than
Rudolph Hess ever had been. In fact she had failed grade 4, which made her
terribly normal. She'd lost her virginity at the age of 14, and learned how
to "give head" (which was having a man stick his penis into her mouth) at
the age of 14 also. She had hit puberty at the age of 12, and had her first
period when she was 11.
Her breasts were 36 inches around, and the cup size of her bra was a "B".
She was completely normal. Except for one thing: When she walked, her knees
constantly rubbed together, and she had several pairs of jeans, which had
holes on the inside part of the knee. Other than that, she was normal.
Of course, she was not hung; nor tried for war crimes.
All that happened to Susan Analcavity was that she perished along with
every other member of the human race some 14 hours later.
Damn those fish.
This is the truth about Rudolf Hess.
Rudolf Hess wanever made the flight to Scotland like so many people
think. Rudolf Hess did not go to Nuremburg and was not sentensed to life
imprisonment.
Rudolf Hess was a fish. (damn him)
You see, Rudolf Hess escaped Nazi Germany by diving into a shallow
stream, removing his human costume and went out into the Ocean. He also
laughed.
Then who was the Rudolf Hess who went to Spandau prison? This is
simple to answer. It was an imposter.
Think: Rudolf Hess had been injured during world war one. He had been
shot in the chest by a rifle, but the doctors at Spandau did not find any
evidence of those scars.
Think: Bullets to the chest usually leave scars.
Think: Rudolf Hess refused to see any of his realitives for years after
going to jail. How odd.
Think: Rudolf Hess "pretended" to have forgotten everything during the
Nuremburg trails.
Why? Because it wasn't the real Rudolf Hess.
The fish knew that they would need Rudolf Hess when it was time to
destroy the world. Damn those no good stinking fish!
A thought: Rudolf Hess was Deputy Fuhrer of the Third Reich. Rudolf
Hoss was the first person to use Zyklon-B in concentration camps.
Rudolf Hess was a Fish.
Fish were seen carring large container of Zyklon-B into small pools and
were also seen hooking them up to car batteries.
Do you suppose that Rudolf Hoss was also a fish?
Maybe he wasn't so normal after all.
Damn those fish!
Rudolph Hoss was also a fish. Why? Because, from various evidence shown in
what we would choose to call the last three or four chapters, Rudolph Hoss
is Rudolph Hess. How did they pull this off? Rather simply, by appearance.
One was a user of Zyklon-B, while the other was just a lousy stinking Nazi.
They were one and the same, doing an act, of sorts.
Either that or they were not the same. Regardless, they were both still
fish.
I have no proof, but I am certain.
Look: Fish have penises.
Look: Hoss and Hess had penises.
Look: Hoss and Hess both paid punition for their crimes.
Look: Hess was actually a fish who got away.
Look: Hoss supposedly died, when, in fact, he got away to give Zyklon to
the fish.
Look: Hoss carried the Zyklon-B to the fish, as a fish.
Why? Because he was a fish.
Strangely, the fish seemed to use funny means to control things, when
destroying the world. But perhaps the Utopian society that had formed
itself in the dying hour of Earth's existence was just too much for the
fish to handle.
Perhaps the fish were about to change their minds, but then the Earth went
through an Anarchaic moment, within the last 2 hours before it was
destroyed. Perhaps that was the last straw.
Perhaps the fish were nothing more than self-concerned, algae sucking
shit-faces, who cared little for anyone except themselves!
Those damned fish!
They didn't care!
They just wanted to kill everyone!
Then again. So did God when he flooded the place.
God was a fish!
Damn God!
Now let me try to explain this all, for it is getting rather confusing.
There once was a fish named Zeus. Zeus decided one day that he could
do one of two things. They were (a) Find a way to let fish walk on land or
(b) flood the whole fucking planet.
Zeus of course picked B. Thus the world was flooded.
Damn Zeus.
Later Zeus changed his name to Jupiter. Who knows why.
People then said this. "Jupiter flooded the whole fucking world once."
This wasn't exactly right, since it wasn't really Jupiter, but Zeus, but
they are the same person, so its close enough. It would have been better
had they said, "When Jupiter was Zeus, he flooded the world." But they
didn't.
Jupiter thought he was a god. So did Zeus.
Jupiter was a fish. So was Zeus.
One day Jupiter decided to get rid of his name and just call himself
God. He then got a lot of silly people to worship him. They really
thought that they were worshipping a god. They weren't. They were
worshipping a damned fish.
People said this about God. "God flooded the whole fucking world once."
People said that, but had no fucking idea why he had. They didn't know
he was a fish.
One day God was swimming around in the ocean and he saw a nice looking
thing to eat. He tried to eat it. It wasn't a nice thing to eat at all,
rather it was a piece of plastic attached to a thin line that was attached
to a pole that was attached to a guy named Joe.
Joe pulled God into his boat, skinned him, cooked him and then ate him.
God was quite confused. He was half way down Joe's throat when he
suddenly realized what was happening. He tried to say something. He
couldn't, he did make Joe burp though.
This is what Joe's wife said, "Oh god, that's disgusting."
Later that evening Joe went to "take a dump." What he wanted to do was
shit. He did. It came out rather easily. It was almost liquid. Joe said
this as he shit, "Vroom Vroom!"
He then whiped his ass and looked down at the greenish brown stuff that
used to be the fish named God. This is what he then said, "Oh god," and
quickly flushed.
There was a lot of shit in the bowl. It took two entire flushes to get rid
of it all.
Therefore, God is a lot of shit.
Rudolph Hess is a fish, which we can prove because he didn't remember
anything. The same, obviously, applies to Ronald Reagan. With one
important difference. Ronald Reagan isn't a fish, he is merely under
the control of the fish. Nancy, of course, is a fish.
This didn't seem important the morning of the day the world ended.
Except to the fish, and they weren't talking. Except to each other.
"Did you get the batteries?" they'd say. And "How about those
Dolphins?"
The dolphins weren't fish. They were a football team in Miami. The
fish actually didn' care that much for football, but the Miami Dolphins
cheerleaders were always kneeling on the ground, allowing small sneaky fish
to sneak inside them for a free ride.
Sometimes, when a small fish was hiding inside the vaginal orifice of a
cheerleader, a fooball player would also try to sneak up inside her. This
was very uncomfortable for the fish, until they started to sneal up
tail-first, to their mouths were at the bottom. This led to a lot less
cheerleaders being stuck into by football players, and was a big joke in
fish circles.
So, when a fish says, "How about those Dolphins?" he means "Stuck
yourself into any cheerleaders lately?"
Damn fish
Now lets not get all confused here.
Here is the definition of FISH: An aquatic, oviparous, cold blooded
vertebrate animal, provided with permanent gills, usually covered with
scales, and progressing by means of fins. An evil creature that should be
killed.
Here is how to kill a fish. Step 1. Get yourself a pole. Step 2. Get
yourself a peice of long string that is very hard to break. Step 3.
Attached the piece of string to the pole. Step 4. Attached a peice of
steel to the end of the string that is not attached to the pole. The peice
of steel should be bent into a semi-circle and should be pointed. It
should also have a little sharp peice at the end that will stop things from
slipping off, were they to be stuck with the pointed end. Step 5. Get a
little invertebrate creeping animal with a long limbless segmented body and
stick the peice of steel through it. Step 6. Say this: "Yuck." Step 7.
Stick the peice of metal and the small animal into a pool of water. The
pool should have fish in it. Step 8. Wait until a fish gets hungry enough
to convince itself that this "creeping animal with a long limbless
segmented body" looks like something it wants to eat. The fish will
then get the peice of metal and shove it through its lip. Step 9. Pull
upwards until the fish is out of the water. Step 10. Place the pole, the
string, the piece of metal and the fish on the ground. Step 11. Say this:
"Damned stupid fish, thought you'd get away?" Step 12. Wait for an
answer. Step 13. Send blood to your face and feel rather foolish,
expecting the fish to answer. Step 14. Watch the fish struggle in a
death dance. Step 15. Place a large themo-nuclear device under the fish
and set it to go off in 15 seconds. Step 16. Run like fucking hell! No.
I mean, run like you have never run before. Run, because your life depends
on it. Step 17. Plug your ears. Step 18. Wait 150 thousand years for
the land to loose its radiation. Step 19. Find the fish. Step 20. Beat
it several times with a peice of wood.
But, if you can't find a piece of wood, a rock will do just as well. as
a matter of fact, a rock will do better than a piece of wood, being usually
much denser.
Of course, all the recrtreational fishinfg in the world would do no more
than place a small dent in the fish population, nowhere close to enough to
stop the fish from ending the world.
Damn those fish
Among the people still alive the monrnming before the world ended was
Jerry Fa:lwell, and his moral minority. Why this was the case, no-one
knew, including the fish. Nobody could explain the existence of Jerry
Falwell, or his popularity, but the fish figured it was jiust another
example of the stupidity of mankind, and one more reason to wipe him off
the face of the earth.
The fish did have some good ideas, after all.
But could they be stopped. Or at least slowed down?
You now know how to kill a fish.
But what you really want to know, is how to kill a fish that has snuck
inside a Dolphin Cheerleader.
This is a much more complicated matter.
Step 1. Bind and gag the cheerleader. Step 2. Rip her stomach open.
Step 3. Grap the fish. Step 4. Wave it in front of her face. Step 5.
Scream "Cheesy Bitch!" at the cheerleader. Step 5. Go home and masturbate
in disgust Step 6. Avoid the police.
Those damn fish, always stick their bodies where they don't bdelong.
There are some people out there that think that some humans stick there
bodies where they do not belong as well, or at least, part of their bodies.
There are some people who get their penis and stick it into the anal
tubes of other males. Some people say this when they hear about people
doing that, "Yuck".
People also say "Yuck" when they see worms.
Worms are, in some people's mind, penis shaped. They do not, however
look anything like the penis. But people think they look close enough.
Popsicles also sometimes represent the penis. Many things represent the
penis. Anything that is long and hard.
The penis is not always long and hard, nor are worms.
This is what some people say when they see a penis: "Yuck"
What these people need is a good fuck. Then they will stop looking at
worms and popsicles as penis's. They will see them as they are. Worms and
popsicles.
What I need is a good fuck too.
Hell, I think at this point, I'll even take a bad one.
But not from a fish.
Those damned fish!
Masturbate.
Oral sex.
Sexual intercourse.
Breats.
Penis.
Vagina.
Fish.
The world was still slowly ending. Fish were still hiding in Cheerleader's
vaginas, and God was still alot of shit. Not much had changed, with the
exception that the world was going to end, whereas a few days prior, it was
still going to end, but no one had even an inkling.
A Strange note: When fish would sneak into cheerleader's vagina's
thousands of years ago, before the evolved to what they are now, they used
to have teeth. When they would crawl into a vagina, and open their mouths,
the male sticking his penis in the female's vagina would sometimes say
this, "Damn! Are you a virgin? It's tight down there!"
This was, of course, the fish teeth sticking into his engorged penis.
A virgin, incidentally, was someone who had not had a penis stuck into
them via the vagina, or anal orifice. Not necessarily both.
Of course, these days, when a man is heard to say, "Damn! Are you a
virgin? It's tight down there!" he is missing the fish, and bouncing off of
the fish's face.
This usually annoys some fish a great deal. It is like someone taking a
hot dog which is the size of your body, and smashing it, elongated, into
your face. You would say, "Ouch."
The fish would rarely speak, so they would think this, "I wish I still had
teeth."
Rudolph Hess had teeth. God never did. They were both fish. Therefore, it
is simply concluded that Rudolph Hess had never evolved, and God had.
However, God was a lot of shit, and Rudolph Hess was carting car batteries,
and Zyklon-B around. Therefore, Rudolph Hess, evolved or not, was better
than God.
Which brings up a point of a man who thought he was a God. His name was
Anton Stivik IV. He thought he was more intelligent than anyone else on the
planet. He wrote a book entitled, "1 million things you don't know, which I
do."
Among his list of things he knew was this:
Sticking your penis into a kindergarten child's mouth is fun.
Also:
Sticking your penis in an electric socket is not much fun.
Anton Stivik IV may well have been a God, because he was alot of shit,
too.
Anton Stivik, however, was not a fish. This line of thinking, and
metaphysical reasoning might drive a philosopher mad. However, it just
makes me hungry. Perhaps I will eat a damned fish, and have some green
shit.
Or maybe I'll just go stick my penis in a cheerleader, and mash my penis
into a fish's face several times.
Damned stinking fish.
*- NOTE: -* The Hymen, conceived to be a part of a virgin's territory, is
actually nothing more than a fish who was afraid to enter the vagina, and
got stuck at the entrance, and became flat over a period of time. Therefore
a hymen is a fish, which was God, which is a lot of shit, therefore:
Virginiy is a lot of shit. So you can fuck a 13 year old if you want to.
Anton Stivik IV wrote another book. It was the sequal to his first book.
His second book was called "2 millions things that only I know and don't
want tell anybody about". He published the books himself. First he would
print out every single book, then he got thick black ink and blotted
everything out so that no one would be able to read it.
It didn't sell to well.
Incidentally Anton Stivik IV was to die tragically two minutes before
the rest of the world blew up. This made Anton Stivik IV become extremely
egotistical. He believed that the only reason the world blew up was
because it couldn't live without Anton Stivik IV. That every single being
on the planet earth aproved of the idea and were willing to plunge into the
dark void of death in search of Anton Stivik IV.
He didn't know about the fish.
Funny thing is, he was in fact, killed by a fish. He had begun to
wonder if Sharks give good head or not. "Maybe I'll stick my penis into
the mouth of a shark." he said to myself and proceeded to the nearest body
of water.
He found one and was walking down a dock when he noticed a large pile
of car batteries. "How odd," he said and went to take a closer look. On
the way, he stepped on a small fish and slipped, thus breaking his neck.
Damn those fish.
A note: In his first book Anton Stivik wrote this. "Fish will destory
the world one day. I'm just glad I won't be around to see it." This, at
first appearance looks like an amazing peice of prohesy. The truth is, it
was a typo. It was suppose to be "Cammels will destory the world one day."
For Anton Stivik had a nasty habit of confusing animals. Beside his
statement he had drawn a small picture of a cammel and titled it. "Damned
Fish."
The Fish looked around, at the now dead body of Anton Stivik. "Ha!" the
Fish would have said, had they been speaking, "He's dead, that means the
world can end now! Everything is going according to plan!"
The Fish, had they been speaking at the moment, would have been
extremely fond of all the exclamation points they would have used, since
they reminded them of penises, which reminded them of being stuck inside
cherleaders, which they enjoyed, much of the time.
But this wasn'T one of those times. The Fish suddenly realised that
once the world ended, there would be no more cheerleaders to stick
themselves ibinto, and some of them began to worry.
"Don't worry!" consoled some of the other Fish, "We can always
masturbate on some sharp rocks!"
"But if the world ends, where will we find rocks?" inquired the first
Fish.
"We'll take some with us!" improvised the Other Fish.
"Well, if we can take some rocks, couldn'T we take some cheerleaders,
then we could get our rocks off!" perhapsed the First fFish, soon to be
initialised.
"I've already been initialised!" boasted the O.F.
This is where the brilliant fish plan failed. To bad the fish were
never able to correct this minor flaw before it was too late.
The flaw? Simple. The fish weren't going anywhere. They had all packed
their belongings and were all set, but there wasn't anywhere to go. They
did not have any way to escape themselves.
Only one fish realized the problem, but he realised it ten seconds
before the world ended. There was nothing he could do by that time.
Amazingly, this fish, being as shocked as he was, was actually able to
speak. This is what he said, "Wait a minute. Won't be get blown up as
wel...."
A note: The four periods at the end of the fish statement are there to
represent the end of the world. Some people might have decided to put the
word 'bang' all in capital letters there, or maybe the word 'pop' or
something like that. I, however have decided to put four periods.
Thus is anyone ever talks to you about the end of the world, just say
this, "The end of the world? Oh, come now, it isn't so bad, its only four
periods."
Another interesting note on Anton Stivik IV: Although he had said, "I
wonder if sharks give good head?", he had really wanted to say, "I wonder
if duck-billed platypuses give good head?". For you see, Anton Stivik had
seen a platypus in a zoological picture book. This struck him as odd, since
there, on a page by its lonesome, amidst lots and lots of bateria and plant
life, was this lonely platypus. His heart reached out for the inconsolable
creature. He fell in love immediately.
That night he had the most viscious wet dreams he had ever had in his life
about platypuses giving him head. He then thought about the inner-tube, and
the jello pudding, and the hot tub, and the tennis raquet, and the tennis
balls (oh! Those tennis balls) which has also been involved in the dream.
He then thought to himself, "I wonder if duck-billed platypuses give good
head?" He then forgot what he was researching, and looked up "shark" in the
encyclopaedia, and found out where they resided. He went there and died.
Thus, he thought, ending the world.
Another interesting note: The fish actually tried to take cheerleaders with
them. In Waxahachie, Texas, just south of Dallas, it was reported by a
lonesome farmer, that he had seen fourteen beached fish, "carrying those
damned sluts into the ocean." Upon further questioing, it was revealed that
those sluts were the Dallas Cowboy's cheerleaders. 14 of the Dallas Cowboy
cheerleads turned up dead, and drowned near a lake by his house.
They reaked something awful of fish.
The man had this to say about it: "Ain't no smell worse than that! Jesus
H. Christ! Smells like four periods to me!" How odd. How odd indeed.
He was arrested, and charged with 14 counts of unjustifyable homocide (to
which he argued [to wit], "Hell, if I was to kill 'em, I'd o' stuck their
faces in their crotch, sir. I wouldn't o' drowned 'em."), and 4 counts of
sodomy (for acts of sexual intercourse with his cow, Betsy- Hell, he was a
lonesome farmer).
Another interesting note: When the world ended, all that was heard,
world-wide was a high-pitched, "FIP". Philosphers, and Sociologists would
have argued that this was an acronym for, "Fucking Ingrateful People".
However, they were dead so they did not argue. Strangely, FIP, spelled
backwards is the name of the fish leader, Pif.
No one ever claimed that fish were good spellers, except for Elmer
Whittlemyer XIX. Elmer claimed to have a goldfish (who was later killed in
the great Goldfish massacre) named, "Trix", who could not only spell her
name forwards and backwards, but also sideways. Apparently Trix was named
for the stunts she could do, modelled after certain expensive women who
frequent downtown corners and motel room beds. Elmer Whittlemyer XIX was
commited, and later charged with Sodomy (3910 counts) with his goldfish.
Apparently Felatio and Cunningulis are even more frowned upon when tango'd
within the realms of bestiality. But from what Elmer said, Trix was good.
He said this: "Hell. She done give me the best suck of my life."; later he
was heard to add, "She could deep throat a cow with elephantosis.". That
cow, which Elmer was speaking of was also arrested later, and charged with
13 counts of sodomy. The cow was male.
It was all a case of bestial sexual discrimination through varitosis.
Look Around. What do we see? a misprint!
Yes, strangely enough, much of the confusion was caused by a simple
misprint. The fish weren't carrying batteries. The fish themselves were
battered, not as in battered against a rock (although some of them were),
but battered imnUin the sense of being covered with batter, which the fish
did not appreciate in the least, especially since being battered in this
way usually led to being dropped in boiling oil, and then wrapped in
newspaper along with some french fries (which were not actually french, but
were definately fried).
The fish were, understandably, not fond of this experience (actually,
the fish who had undergone the experience weren't talking, but they didn't
look as if they enjoyed it), except for some, named YTim(pura) and
Teri(yaki), but they didn't speak english.
Of course, none of this mattered the day the world ended, except to make
things even messier when the fish began to explode.
The first people to notice the exploding fish were the cheerleaders, of
course.
The cheerleaders looked around. "OUCH!" they capitalised, "I feel like a
fish has just exploded inside my vagina" they would say, which was
understandable, since a fish had just exploded inside tthe collective
vaginas of all the cheerleaders still alive at the time. CALRarl Jung
would have been proud, had he been alive to notice the collective
unconcioudsness of all the cheerleaders being so totally connective.
"Ha" Carl Jung would have said, hAad he been alive to witness the
experience, "You see, Signmund (Frued, of course) I was right all along!"
Of course, Carl and Sigmund ( Jung and Frued) were entirlerely
incorrect, but, in a strange way, pointed in the right direction, but for
the wrong reasons.
Fish continued to explode, with varying degrees of effectiveness,
de@endingon on whether or not they were inserted into cheerleaders.
UIt goes without saying that many many fish were inserted into Madonna. (
How else to explain her pathetic attempt to cash in on the 'vouge'ing
idiocy, almost a year late?)
Many people wondered about this, but many more were busy trying not to
explode.
Needless to say, it didn't work.
re: sl:
Some Notes: Adolf Hitler wrote a book. It was a piece of shit. It
wouldn't have been worth a babies fart had Hitler decided not to try to
take over the world. The book was called Mien Kamph. This meant, My
Struggle and it was, as earlier stated, a piece of shit not worth the paper
it was printed on.
It was printed well over 6 million times.
This is what Hitler said one day as he was sitting having tea with Gobbels.
"Have you ever smelt a babies asshole?"
This is how Gobbels replied. "Yes." He had many children. He would later
shoot them and then kill himself.
"I don't mean baby shit," said Hitler. "I mean, a babies asshole.
Pressed you noes right up against it and just smelt it."
"Don't be absurd," said Gobbels.
Hitler never mentioned it again.
It was May, 1945. Hitler was sitting in his bunker in Berlin. He wrote
this on the wall. "Stalin sucks cock" He laughed. It would be the last
time that he would ever laugh. Oh well.
This is what a fish had once said to him when Hitler was only a child.
"Think of this word my friend. Just one simple word. The word
is"Lightning war." (It may appear to be two words, but he spoke it in
German and thus it is only one) Then the fish disappeared beneath the
shimmering waters.
This is what Hitler asked the empty space that sounded him:
"Blitzkrieg?"
Damn fucking fish.
A note: I fucked my mother with a fish once. This is what she said. "Oh
baby baby baby."
This is what some people say when they see a person who has dark skin
colour (because of birth): "Fucking nigger."
These people, whose orgins go back to Africa, a continent south of
Europe, don't usually like being called this. They like being called
"black".
This is what they sometimes do after someone calls them "fucking
nigger", they get a bunch of friends together and they go and beat the fuck
out of the person who called them the name. They then say this: "Fucking
white trash racist bastard."
This is what someone told me yesterday: "I like black people, I just
really fucking hate niggers."
A black person, in their own words is "cool". Thus I assume that what
they call a "nigger" is not.
Judging someone because of their skin colour or ansestoral orgin is
called racism. It becomes fashionable every so often. Hitler made it
fashionable. Right now, in Canada, it is not, and it is. Publically it is
not.
Fish never judge each other by the colour of their scales.
This is, in a way good.
I still hate those fucking fish though.
Call me a racist.
Call me a nigger.
Call me fucking white trash racist bastard.
But NEVER, NEVER call me a fish.
Damn those fucking no good stinking cunt smelling ass licking smelly
pieces of fuck. Fuck those fucking fish!
So this man was walking down the street. As he turned the corner he saw
some FISH (see note below). Being the meek and mild gentleman he was, (and
not wanting to have the shit kicked out of him) he gave them plenty of room
to pass and avoided eye-contact at all cost.
Unfortunatley, one of them saw his "Kiss me, I love black people."
button. The FISH started chanting their favourite hymn:
IO! IO! IO! IO! IO! IO! IO! IO! IO! IO! IO! IO! IO! IO! IO! Hi, Sweety!
(The last verse of the hymn has never been fully understood. It has been
said that it originated when the FISH confronted a 10' gorilla who made
them vow to sing that verse, otherwise he would end the world.) The poor
soul was soon reduced to a battered mass of humanity and the FISH ran off
singing their hymn again.
Damn those baby's asshole sniffing (see other note below) FISH!!!
Note Below: FISH are of course Fucking Idiotic Skin Heads. Known for a
number of anti-social habits such as sniffing glue and putting hair-spray
companies out of business. It is said that when glue is in short supply,
they resort to baby's assholes.
There are more fish than there are cheerleaders. This is something the
fish began to realise almost as soon as the cheerleaders were filled up. A
few days later, Madonna was also filled up (well, almost, or as the fish
would say, 'It smelts in here!', but that's another story)
The remaining fish, after relieving themselves on rocks, and pictures of
Madonna, began to seriously wonder where they would be when the world
ended, but being fish, thay didn' know.
Being the narrator, I knew.
re: sl
re: sl is not the narrator. He is just an idiot.
He is probably a fucking nigger, too. The whole point of this story is that
I fucked my mother, a lot.
"Oh baby baby baby" is what she said. Then I killed her. Broke her neck.
Her neck said "snap". "Snap" said her neck.
Then I shoved a fish into her mouth, and called it "macaroni".
Damn that fish!
Now let us summarize the story so far. For now that we enter the sixty
first chapter, to some, it may seem a tad bit confusing.
In the beginning god did not create anything. He did not say "Let there be
light." He did not say "Oh baby baby" as he played with his own penis. He
does, in fact, have no penis, for in truth, God does not exist. I don't
give two fucks what Neitzche says either.
So the beginning came. Who the fuck knows how, only let it be known that
no supreme entity without even a fucking name created it.
So year after year creatures of all sorts fuck or in some cases, stop
fucking and thus die out. The dinosaurs stopped fucking. Oh yes yes, you
could say that the planetary atmosphere changed and due to this or that
they all died out. But when it basically comes down to it, they just
stopped fucking.
So all of a sudden this one creature comes along and thinks to itself, "I
think I am better then every other creature." It is odd that this creature
thought this. It didn't fuck any more than any other creature. So why
think its better? Look at the africans. They fuck a lot.. too much in
fact, and what's it got them? Third world nation is what we call it. They
are ready to cast their semen all over the fucking world, not realizing
that they don't even have enough food to feed themselves and not enough
money to buy a bag full of rubbers.
So all of a sudden, the first world nations feel pity. So they hold this
huge concert to raise money to buy food for the africans.
Also, people complain a lot about the world and what we have done to it.
This is what people say "We've fucked it up." There is a group called
Greenpeace. Fucking assholes. This is what I say to greenpeace "Who cries
for Baldur." Of course, those shit heads in greenpeace don't fucking know
dick so they have no idea what I said. I don't really care.
Then all of a sudden, the fish blow up the world.
Big fucking deal.
Oddly enough, the fish cry for Balduer. The story of Baldur the Sun God
is the only one that makes them cry. Baldur of coursae was a very happy
guy, untill Loki thought it would be funny to throw dart made from misstle
toe at him by the hand of a blind man. It make me cry. Then again, I'm a
fish. And then the world blew up.
Fuck that's important. What's on cable?
Baldur was the beloved of the gods. Baldur was all that was pure.
The fates had clearly stated that the death of Baldur would spark the
beginning of the great flame that would be Ragnorok, the final battle.
A messanger was sent from the gods to Niffleheim to ask Hel, the
goddess of the dead, to return Baldur to the gods.
Hel told the messanger that only if every single thing were to cry for
Baldur, then she would release him.
The gods set out and asked every thing, be it rock or twig, or fish, to
cry for Baldur. Every thing did so. Everything except for an old hag.
This old hag (who some think was but Loki in disguise) refused to cry for
Baldur and thus was he doomed to Niffleheim.
The world is like Baldur. It is pure and good. It, as was Baldur,
slain by the ones who called themselves Humans. There is a chance for the
earth to be restored. Every single person must cry for the world. Every
single person must decide that nothing is more precious than the world, no
matter how much it costs, or how long it would take.
Good bye world. Who cries for you?
The fish didn't truly give a damn about Baldur. Forget what I had said
earlier. It might just have been a state of euphoria, but more than likely,
it has more to do with the fact that I have been consuming a great deal of
alcohol lately.
In fact many people here around me have been consuming alcohol. Why?
Because the damned world is going to end! We are all hoping to be so pissed
out of our skulls that we won't notice. Oddly it isn't working, because
this damned book is being written.
Which is really funny when you think about, because who, besides a person
pissed out of his fucking mind, would write a book which will never get
published, or read, since it will perish along with me when the whole
damned world blows the fuck up in about 24 hours.
Bah. I think I will go have myself another damned bottle of Dot-guh. It
seems that I am building up an immunity to it.
Of course those fucking Africans don't care. They're still fucking out of
control. STILL! They know the world is going to end. They think that if
they have enough babies in 24 hours, maybe just 2 of them will live to
fuck alot more, and have alot more babies, and keep fucking, and keep
starving to death.
I hope they all get Sids, and die. Of course we are all going to die. But
at least we are not fish.
Damn those fucking fish.
There was once an author on the old Earth. A man who was adequately known
as Sodom Gomorrah XXVI. His name carried no biblical connotation. His
father was Sodom Gomorrah, and it went way back to ancient Greece, but the
bottom line was that his great (times 22) grand-father liked to fuck other
Greek men up the butt for pleasure. This is what is grand-father would say,
"Oh, baby, baby."
Gomorrah once wrote, "The fish of this Earth are the only divine species
known today. They will inevitably end the Earth when they deem the time
correct. They will utilise those tools which we have so daringly used to
excess, and with which we have tried to destroy this fine planet's source
with. They will use battery acid. They will use plastics and rubbers, and
devices which radiate radioactivity. They will take the women who are not
sound in their virtues, and they will use these to destroy us all. They
will burn the battery acids, and the rubber, and the plastics, they will
release the radiation, and rape the women; they will wreak havoc until the
seas boil, and the earth crumbles to infinetessimal dust."
The poor sod couldn't have been further from the truth. That is not how
the world is going to end at all.
It would seem that Sodom Gomorrah XXVI was little more than a drunken sod
like me. It would seem that Gomorrah liked to do nothing more than
masturbate alot, and apparently an analyst of his once wrote about him; the
analyst's name was Grundy. Biff Grundy.
Grundy had this to say about Gomorrah:
"Sodom Gomorrah XXVI, considered to be one of the most absurd, and
prolific essayists of the past century, is nothing more than a hoax. It
seems that Mr. Gomorrah liked to hit random keys on his typewriter, a
specially manufactured piece of machinery, which was set to include 3 E's,
and 2 of each other vowel, as well as 2 S's, and T's, and all other common
consonants. He would then masturbate furiously on the paper, until the ink
smudged, and the gibberish he had typed appeared to say something.
This was discovered when Mary Pilgriford was going to the bathroom. Beside
her was an old, original copy of Gomorrah's work. She had no toilet paper,
and thus used Gomorrah's original manuscript to wipe her shit on.
Apparently, whilst the shit was being removed from her anus, which many
men, with bad aim have argued, is too close to the vaginal orifice, some
of the semen which was once Gomorrah's was deposited into her cervix, and
did impregnate her.
Gomorrah had been dead for 60 years.
He had fucking incredible sperm, though.
It was almost as good as the sperm of a fish, which can impregnate over
10000 eggs at a time. Now THAT is some real fertility in action. Fish may
be potent, but I am sure glad that I am not a fish.
Damn those fish.
Damn them.
This is what the Africans need to do: Fuck dead people. They do after
all have an abbundance of these all about. There's basically a dead
African ever couple of feet or so.
Why do the Africans need to fuck dead people?" someone in the crowd
asked.
The reason is simple. It has now been scientifically proven that it is
impossible to impreginate a dead person. No matter how much one tries, and
no matter how much sperm is shoved up the smelly hole of a dead woman, the
woman will not become pregnant. The Africans would therefore not need to
go out and buy little pieces of rubber to stick on the end of their wangs,
which is good, since the africans don't have enough money to even buy a
peice of rubber to stick on the end of their wang.
Not even Sodom Gomorrah's sperm would impregnate a dead woman, and we
all know how strong his sperm is.
At one point in history the fish thought that they could do it. They
tried. They tried.
Damn stinking fish.
Dead woman won't ask you this either, "Do I turn you on?" Therefore you
won't have to lie and say "Yes." when you really wanted to say "No. You're
just another fucking pussy and I just really needed to wet my whip. I have
also grown tired of wacking off, for the moment."
A dead woman just excepts whatever you got and doesn't complain,
comment, or laugh.
Dead woman are great.
That's the only time women are good, when they are dead.
Fish are never good.
Damn stinking fish.
Bert Grapple once wrote, "A fish has no vengeance, for it cannot want what
it can never attain. This is philosophy and reality in conjecture."
Bert Grapple's ex-wife, Mary Beth once wrote, "Hell hath no wrath like the
tyranny of a god forbidden angered fish. Take for example the Whale which
ate Jonah. [from here she excerpts from a fictitious piece of work, written
by a drunken man, far worse than any ever known before, which was
worshipped for well over 2000 years.]"
Strangely, Bert and Mary Beth Grapple once met on a talk show. Their 17
year old son was there. He was a skin head. By skin head it is referred to
the fact that he had shaved all of the hair off his head, in order to be
more iffeminate, rather like Sinead O'Connor. His name was Dripple. Dripple
Grapple had this to say on the talk show: Who the fuck cares about fish.
A brawl ensued, and they ripped each other's heads off. However, Bert
Grapple survived due to an extraordinaty operation, which saw his head sewn
back on. The operation was preformed by an African named, "Mohammed," which
was a name quite similiar to Jesus (see the reference to the fictitious
book above). A revered character for over 2000 years. Mohammed, however,
had learned his medical traits from fucking dead people.
Sometimes he would fuck them so hard, their heads would fall off, and
their intestines would empty. So not only did he fuck the shit out of them,
but he fucked their brains out, also. It was in his embarrasment, and fear
of getting caught that he learned to sew these heads back on.
It was thanks to this man, who fucked corpses, that Bert Grapple was alive
to suffer the most agonizing death on the face of the Earth when the world
was destroyed by the fish.
The details are fuzzy, but some things are certain: The procedure involved
piano wire, rubbing alcohol, scissors, idoine, radioactivity, battery acid,
a stilleto knife, a letter opener, some citric acid, some abscorbic acid,
and alot of amino acid. The procedure also dealt with Bert Grapple's penis.
It is said that he screamed alot, but no one knows, because they were all
dieing as the world blew up, too.
Damn those fucking fish.
Here is a neat trick to play on your friends.
The Gestapo use to use it as well.
Say this to your friends, "Hey, lets play Gestapo!" They will agree and
cheer. Then quickly say this, "I will be the Gestapo man and you will be
the worthless jew." They will not agree, nor will they cheer. But by then
it will be too late.
First you should tie them up. Tie them up tight till it hurts. Then
go into the fridge and get some cool-aid. Get a lot of cool-aid. Give big
classes of cool-aid to your friends. Yum.
Then you pull down your friends pants and force them to achieve an
errection. This can be done many ways. You could show them pictures of
women with their legs scread apart and domestic items (such as carrots,
spoons, electric drills) shoved into their twat. (By twat, I mean Cunt,
or Vagina) Or you can simply place your lips upon your friends penis and
suck and suck. Suck for all you are worth.
Once your friends penis are errect, get a very thin tube of glass and
stick it down the hole in the penis. Stick the five inch long glass tube
four inches down the penis.
Smile.
Get the hammer and hit the penis with it so that the glass tube breaks
into several parts.
Say this, "Oh oh. I bet you have to urinate now."
Laugh wickedly.
then after your friend is lying on the ground with his penis bleeding, quick
quickly laugh and say just kidding, just kidding and he will promptly
forgive you..but this is part of your next trick. first, while you are
walking along say hey look and point at the nearest sun. when he looks and
is completely blinded, put a blindfold on him and tied him up and put him
in a mailbox and send him to holland (with the appropriate postage, of
course!) and put a big sign on his back that says 'I HATE HOLLAND', in
hollish. If he ever makes it back alive you can trick him again by saying
that you won't kill him but really do! (god, i love that one!)
so anyway...those god-damned dick lickin' commie-lovin' whore-fuckin' bush
whackin' son of bitch whore mother-fucker scum sleeze slut fish.
(actually i've always rather liked them..i take that back. besides my mom
said no swearing.)
There was of course an incident once on earth. It involved Kool-aid, and
religion. It also involved suicide. Suicide was something was killing
yoursef. You usually did this when you were quite upset about everything.
Most people did not run off and kill themselves because of something as
trivial as they found their wife fucking a fish.
In fact the latter traumatic event was very common, since all women, in
essence, had fish swimming around in luxury within their vaginas. They
were, then, in essence, having sex with a fish. Unfortuneately for the
women, the fish had adapted their bodies, justly so, that they did not feel
like ben-wa-balls, which were objects to stimulate the cervix, and cause
orgasm for the woman whenever she damned well felt like it.
However, the religious experience which involved Kool-aid, is what this
chapter started off to be about, and thusly so, it shall be so.
Erwin Rommel commited suicide, but this had nothing to do with Kool-aid.
This had more to do with the fact that he was a no-good stinking Nazi
general who had captured over 30000 English troops in Africa.
"Isn't that rather splendid," said the captured British troops, "that he
killed himself?" They then sublimed to drink a spot of tea. How quaint.
"Bloody coward." snapped the Americans, who wanted to put him in jail for
assumed war crimes against the world. "Bloody Bastard." they added.
The day was November 29, 1978 A.D. A group of religious fanatics known as
the People's Temple commited suicide. 909 people killed themselves in all,
by drinking a poisoned punch, willingly. They died with their arms wrapped
around each other. The leader of the occult Movement, Reverend Jim Jones
was found having shot himself in the head with a bullet.
The suicide came after Jones had ordered the cult members to attack and
kill and evil congressment, and the horrible, repacious NBC news crew which
accompanied him. Apparently a few of the attacked had managed to espace,
and had "ratted" on the assailing group.
They commited suicide by drinking the killer kool-aid in honour of their
failure.
Jones' last words were, "The Time has come to meet in another place."
He meant this: "Fellow fish, the head whale, (who was a fat pagan cow
named Mary) has now ordered to meet again someday when we can destroy the
whole earth!"
Willingly, they drank the poisonous kool-aid, so that they could return
with the other fishies, and kill us all.
Fuck religion.
Fuck the fish (not that the Africans aren't).
Fuck the world.
Damn it's too late.
[Chapter 71 mysteriously has disappeared.]
Well, here we all stand with the world about to end (damned if it hasn't
ended already and we missed it, it has been an exciting 71 chapters thus
far, who really knows if the world deserved to exist anyway, it's just been
sitting here doing god-knows-what while we humans sit here and pollute it
to death, although it's not going to die of pollution, I know that all too
well, but really the world shouldn't really exist because it serves no
purpose (much like Cleveland serves no purpose) and it might as well be
demolished because it doesn't make a difference to the cosmos whether it
blows up or not, all the intelligent life is way out there. Maybe they'll
look at the explosion in millions of years when the light reaches them and
think "Oh, it's those damned fish again," and then they'll all go out
fishing to preserve their planet. Am I still in a bracket? God bloody
hell, yes I am.) Sorry about that. It's just the fish that really get to
me. I'm sitting here typing this and the world is going to end in about
23.85 hours, and I'm spending my last day on the earth TYPING SOME GODDAM
STORY THAT NOBODY'S GOING TO READ BECAUSE PAPER BURNS IN EXPLOSIONS! It's
strange. Maybe I should go fuck a dead woman or something. Or go fishing.
Maybe if everybody in the world (including the Africans) went fishing
RIGHT NOW all the fish would be killed and we would be all right. But what
does it matter.
Christ, those damn fish.
"Get your facts straight," said the large fat man with the hat and tie
that said "Gone fishing" in bright blue letters. He was a large foolish
twit who, himself had never got any facts right either. He felt himself
superior to all others just because he had a matching hat and tie.
The man often talked about his little tour ol' duty in North Africa
during world war two. He had, of course, never been in any army, nor had
ever visited Africa (be it north, south, east or west). He was often heard
saying this, "Rommel that no good stinking Nazi coward." To which I would
often whisper under my breath, "Stupid fucker." I was, of course, not
refering to Rommel at all, but to the fat man. I at least knew that Rommel
had never been a Nazi. He was a German field Marshall, but not a Nazi. He
was also not a coward at all. He did commit suicide, but not in an act of
cowardess. he did it because two Gestapo agents had said to him, "Take
this little pill or we will play Gestapo with you and then hang up up by
your feet with chicken wire and make your wife fuck all of Europe." They
also promised many other not so nice things. The did this, of course,
because Rommel had had some connection with the plot to kill Adolf Hitler.
The plot was later to be called The July Bomb Plot.
A bomb was placed at Hitlers feet during a meeting. The bomb went off and
Hitler walked out alive. The bomb had not killed him, or so it had seemed.
The bomb had, in fact, blown him to fucking hell. Hitler had been killed.
But why then did he walk out with only his nice new pants torn? Simple. It
was a fish. The fish had sent a clone to replace Hitler. The fish knew
all about the Bomb plot. Rommel had accidentally mentioned it, in what he
though secretcy as he fucked his wife. "I'm.... ug... going... uggg... to
...ug... blow ... Oh yeah. Oh yeah.... Hitler.... Woo Wee. Woo Wee. Up
up up up up... ahhh." Rommel had said.
Never trust a fucking woman.
Never trust a fish.
Damn stinking women!
Damn Stinking fish!
Of course, as Rommel grunted these words to his wife in bed, she replied,
like all women do, "Ooooh yeah. Give it to me harder! Yes! Ooooh Yes! Please
baby! Please! Oooooh, Deeper! Yeah! Ooooh Yeah! Ung! That feels sooo good."
Sex is, conversationally, not very appealing. For the penis, though, it is
an extravaganza of the extreme. It is the occultists dream. For it is
creation, death, mystique, and incredibly exciting all in one. It also
makes you sweat alot. That is why Rommel had sex. Rommel liked to sweat.
So did his wife. So did the fish who lived inside of Rommel's wife's
vagina. As soon as the fish heard this plot, the fish decidedly leaped from
her vagina into the toilet bowl the next time she took a pee. It then swam
into the sewers, and back to the ocean, where it would say to the other
fish, "Cousin Adolf is going to be blown to hell!"
The fish got excited. They went around in schools for a while, pretending
to sharpen pencils, and scatter about when the water moved, but they were
all concerned about how to save their cousin.,
Then some catfish, sluggishly stuck to the bottom of the lake, high on
some sea weed, muttered, "Hey man. Wouldn't it be cool if there were two
Adolf's? I remember when he used to stick his penis into my rectum.." the
rest was lost to fish trying to think. A brainstorm had hit them, and the
stoned catfish, known as President Nixon, once in his real life, was
acclaimed as a genius.
He used the reward money from his idea to fund an extremely expensive
suicie via a cocaine habit, but who cares about Fish Nixon anyway?
They incorporated a good idea, and created Adolf's twin. Fish did have
interested abilities at the very least. Adolf's twin was to go to a metting
and help to "stir things up in Europe and get more damned English shits
killed." Of course he wasn't to do this at all. He was to die. But it is
hard to explain to someone on their first mission, "Your mission," pause
for dramatic effect, "Is to die."
Most people don't go in for that type of crap, unless they are fucked up
religious theodites, who really know nothing more than, "God is
everywhere."
If God was everywhere, then I'd like to think he was my toilet so that I
could shit on his face everyday. I also wouldn't wouldn't mind it so much
if he was my penis so that I could choke him 'till he puked nine times a
day when I masturbate.
I hate God.
But I hate those stinking fish more.
CHAPTER 27
A small note
CHAPTER 29
Rocco LaRoque, and Ejaculation
CHAPTER 30
[Statutorily called the Line Noise Chapter]
CHAPTER 31
Homosexual tales of Mary and the Fish
CHAPTER 33
Everything was going according to plan.
CHAPTER 34
Holocausts- which one is worse?
CHAPTER 35
Interesting notes
CHAPTER 39
What happens when FISH bite off more th
CHAPTER 36
Alexander the Great and fish
CHAPTER 37
In the park we did some fish
CHAPTER 38
Normalacy, and it's fatal flaw
CHAPTER 40
Rudolf Hess- the fish connection
CHAPTER 41
God was a fish. So was Rudolph Hoss.
CHAPTER 42
God- the shit connection
CHAPTER 43
Why cheerleaders smell like fish
CHAPTER 44
Fish and how to kill them.
CHAPTER 45
The collective unconcious of fish
CHAPTER 46
I knew a fish once, Joe, he's dead now.
CHAPTER 47
The penis and good fucks
CHAPTER 48
Some words for your enjoyment
Self Abuse.
Onanism.
Jack off.
Choke my chicken.
Beat my bishop.
Slap my Salami.
Give head.
Play the flesh flute.
Copulate.
Fornicate.
Procreate.
Fuck.
Screw.
Do it.
Make love.
Tits.
Jugs.
Knockers.
Head Lights.
Dick.
Wanker.
Cock.
One eyed trouser snake.
Wiener.
Mr. Happy.
Cunt.
Twat.
Pussy.
Snatch.
Smelly hole.
CHAPTER 49
Special Notes on God and Virginity.
CHAPTER 50
More about Anton Stivik IV
CHAPTER 51
The Fish discuss the possibilities
CHAPTER 52
The flaw and the note
CHAPTER 53
Some VERY interesting notes.
CHAPTER 54
batter up!
CHAPTER 55
Fish, vouging.
CHAPTER 56
Notes on Hitler
CHAPTER 57
Racism and fish
CHAPTER 58
The customs of FISH
CHAPTER 59
What happens when the Cheerleaders fill
CHAPTER 60
Masurbating with my coke bottle is fun.
CHAPTER 61
A summary
CHAPTER 62
The Story, very breifly, of Baldur.
CHAPTER 63
A bit more on Baldur
CHAPTER 64
Drunkeness and insipid stupidity.
CHAPTER 65
Sodom Gomorrah, and his sperm.
CHAPTER 66
What the Africans need
CHAPTER 67
Mr. Grapple, his wife, son, & Mohammed
CHAPTER 68
A neat game to play with your friends
CHAPTER 69
Another irrelevent chapter....
CHAPTER 70
Reverend Jim Jones & Killer Kool-Aid.
CHAPTER 72
Muses on one's own purpose in space.
CHAPTER 73
Rommel, the plot and fish
CHAPTER 75
God, Adolf Hitler, Rommel, and Fish