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Seagull Insolence

by Maud'Dib

The birds struck back. Tired of being repressed by the "man" they decided to use their combined intellect to turn things around. Lead by the seagulls, naturally, they started their revolution slowly. An eloquent squawker was all it took to bring about the rebellion. Preaching poor treatment by the humans he swayed the naive minds of the birds into a revolt that almost ended humanity.

Unfortunately it was all led by jealousy. The seagulls were bothered by the fact the other birds were captured and kept by the humans as prizes. They were usually well fed and looked after only because of their rarity. The seagulls were left, however, to fend for themselves--having to scavenge and hunt for rubbish left over. Garbage that the humans wouldn't even serve to their other prized pets, such as dogs.

With the innocent support of the other birds, the seagulls began the insurrection by the mass murder of humans in various ways. They started by swarming the view of planes while in flight, causing them, in most cases, to crash. Or scores of birds would fly over fast moving traffic and severely defecate across the windshield. The mere windshield wipers couldn't clear it fast enough, as the sheer number of birds kept it covered for as long as it took for the car to crash. The birds would do this in strategic areas that would usually cause a huge accident and a general hold up of traffic. Thus the birds, for the most part, had caused a serious problem for the mass transportation of most metropolitan cities. Bringing it, virtually, to a standstill. The subway systems began to be overloaded with people, which in turn caused riots and violence that almost immediately called for them to be shut down as well.

It didn't take long for the governments to recognize the problem. However, they were quite helpless. The birds were inaccessible. If attacked they would separate and spread out. Flying out range of any guns. Fighter planes, as well, would be ineffective. They would swarm the planes as with the commercial airlines. Sure, they took some losses, but when a single plane went down it cost the humans millions. And they only had so many. Not to mention, of course, the great value they placed on each human life. While the birds were willing to lose a few in the battle, each pilot that went down made the humans wonder about the worth of the exchange.

Finally, the human beings gave up. They offered the birds whatever they could. The language barrier, however, made it difficult for them to meet the demands of their new dictators. This was something the seagulls hadn't considered.

The humans gave in to all of the conventional demands that were usually asked for in these type of situations. They released all of the political prisoners. Zoos around the world released their flying creatures of all types and pets were set free. It didn't take long, though, for the other birds to hear about the kind of conditions they were kept in. Food given to them all the time, safe from other predatory birds as well as being cleaned up after. It began to sink into their heads that perhaps the seagulls were wrong. Perhaps things weren't so bad.

When asked, the seagulls denied it. They clung to their claims of the previous human oppression. Although perhaps not as bright as the seagulls, the other birds finally realized they had been duped. The seagulls had led them astray, plagued by their jealousy. Thus the coup folded, and human dominance resumed. The birds turned on their leaders, the seagulls, and drove them off.

It was a tremendous loss to the seagulls. Their last chance at being treated as respectable birds was gone. They live now in constant miserable contempt of humans--occasionally trying to exhibit their displeasure by bombing unsuspecting people and cars with their white slime.

They are tolerated though. Their unworthiness breaks the hearts of human and bird alike. We pity them, and their feeble attempts at revenge.

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