The oddest April of my life occured when I was still a fetus. I had not yet developed eyes or ears or any other fun things, in fact I had only been conceived in February. Sadly, I was not able to partake in the terrifyingly bizarre events which occured that April. But I certainly read about them later.
The April began, as all Aprils begin, at the end of March. The first day was April the 1st. April Fool's Day in most cultures. April Fool's Day is where the oddity began. Instead of the normal tricks such as gluing pets to the wall and such, people were made to swallow razor blades and children. This lead to many such problems as a profound lack of youth, and a glut of overweight non-youth. To this, one brilliant guy, (who shal remain nameless) named Carl, said, oh....let us spew forth in brilliance our lost youth...so that we may once again...etc etc.
The lack of razors was keenly felt as well, persons tried everything to replace them...but not even mashed peaches would do the trick. Even though the mashed peaches didn't work, we found that grated worms worked wonders. All we would have to to is rub the worms into the hair and we were rockin!
Anyways after we did that, me and the boys went downtown to throw cats off buildings when this chick came up to us. She was quite a sight, having one tit centred in her chest, later we found out she was the cylops woman.........
We argued about who would get to fondle that breast, until we all decided that we would just throw her off the building. So we did. Unfortunately we soon found that our arms had fallen off. It added to the oddity. But we saw no coincedence between the woman and our arms. Not until our legs had fallen off as well... it was then I decided that we should all sit out in a desolate field until we were all struck down by meteors.
So anyways...We were al lying there in this field with no arms or legs waiting to be struck down by meteors, when I suddenly had this urge to chew out my own esophagus. This is incredibly strenuous because of the complex manouvering involved! While I was doing this...unbeknownst to me, a rather large penguin- like bird thing began nesting on me...oh the humiliation!
I was sitting there, red faced when suddenly Biff was struck by a meteor. I completely forgot about the damn bird, determined to do what's right and proper and be hit by a chunk of space rock. I waited. I waited more. Looking around all my friends had been hit. But not me. I cried out "Is this a cruel joke? Can I be denied this which I desire so?" but it was without result. My anger spent I remained there... looking to the heavens and cursing the bird on my Penis, It was a nice bird. Although it lacked firm breasts...But I still liked it. Then all of a sudden, My bird exploded...I dropped to the ground in a fit of uncountrolable mirth.
It just Blew up!! Well, I just couldn't leave the remains lying around. So I took them home and made pudding...Bird pudding. 'Ahhh, what a wonderful April,' I thought. 'Meteors, Birds, Close friends dying...HOW WONDERFUL!!'
All of a sudden, A HUGE Walking Cow appeared in my living room. This was somewhat odd as I had always assumed that walking cows walked places rather than just appearing there. So anyways...this walking cow appeared in my living room, stood there and said, nothing. For a walking cow, it sure seemed to be doing a lot of nothing. So, without further hesitation I shot it and then called Canada Games as I had discovered something even more fun than their games - dead cow tossing!
But sadly, they refused saying people would like that event much more than all the others, and hence they would not make any profit staging the other events. I was incensed. I picked the cow up and tossed it as far as I could. Then I realized something new and better! Thrown-Dead-Cow-Hunting! I called the Olympic games, and told them I had a brilliant idea for a new event. They said told them my idea and of the first one the Canada games rejected. They sobbed uncontrollably at the sad tale, and vowed to implement my ideas at the next Well, I must say, I was dissappointed. The day had been quite lousy. I mean with the bird nesting on me and losing my arms and legs and then the rejection. I couldn't handle it. Suddenly, there was a knock at my door. I expected it to be a fairly large plot twist and was right! There was the cyclops woman, holding my arms and legs. I thanked her and told her that no I wouldn't like to be saved by Jesus Christ. Suddenly, figures he'd watch me this time, Jesus stood next to her and said very pathetically, "Why don't you like me." What a wimp. A attached my arms and proceded to beat him up with my legs. He cried. Wimp. He even admitted it was a stunt double that was on the cross. I welcomed Jesus and the cyclops woman into my house and ran to answer the phone. I heard the Olympic Games on the other end. "We like your idea of throwing dead cows," it said. "If you send us some cows we will gladly take up your idea and your name will go down in history." I was very happy so I agreed. Then I went back to my guests in the front hall. drinking our bubbly (ha), the phone went again. Fearing that this was the Olympic Games deciding that they didn't _really_ like my idea, I didn't want to answer the phone. So I turned on the answering machine. A low voice started talking and Jesus jumped out of his seat, recognizing the voice of his dad. He ran out the door and said he hadn't come home before dark the way he was supposed to. He dissappeared into the black. Then the cyclops woman put my legs back on and proceeded to tear off my clothes and her own. After she ripped off my clothes she tried to screw me. But i said "We forgot the condom." So she stopped put on a diaphram and fucked me. Then I turned her own her back and fucked her till her ass turned blue.Then som e prstitutes walked in and joined me. Then the whole sweedish swim team came and started to fuck me. Then my great dane came in fucked the cyclops woman. So we fucked all day and all night. Suddenly I wipped out my 'POWER TOOLS' and drilled the cyclops womens clit. she screamed in pleasure....But I think I should have removed the dog first. Then I wanted to sodomize the swedish swim team....But when I ripped off their cloths...THey ALL HAD TEN INCH DICKS! So I continued to fuck myself. Slowing pulling the skin off my dick. and then the cyclops women said.... My vision still a little blurry, I made an effort to punch the face of the cyclops woman. It landed. The score board behind me lit up to reveal a score of ten points. Jumping in the shower I noticed for the first time the holes in my nose. Two of them, right close together. It seemed curious so I thought I would investigate. I climbed inside and got into the Cart On Wheels which was waiting there. I threw back the safety brake and we started to roll. Just mum and I. How my mother got in there I shall have to look up later, in the family album. We travelled for what seemed like seconds before we came to a turnpike next to an old abandoned planet. It said go left, SO WE DID. up at me. "Oh?" I inquired. That's when everything went black. fairly large from the inside. And they weren't producing lamps, oddly enough, but lots and lots of snakes. So I purchased a busload of snakes and shipped them off to Guatamala where they will be placed under intensive care. I retired back to the Cart and kept on rollin'. Suddenly on the tracks was a Jesuit Mormon paying no attention whatsoever to the fact that a large Cart On Wheels was rolling towards him. I thought about shouting "LOOK OUT!" but the thought had barely reached my brain before I felt the soft mist of the Jesuit Mormon's blood on my face as I casually rolled over him. It wouldn't have been so bad, but he was canvassing for his God, and a few brochures blew up and forced my eyes over the words contained therein. The propaganda spewed forth like the smoke from my finger. I would normally have been scared, but I had an elastic band with which to comfort myself. The elastic band was sitting around my wrist, so I snapped it hard against my skin a few thousand times to calm me down. Still I couldn't get the words out of my head. I had to do what it said. I quickly ran to the store and bought a loaf of bread. I lit the bread on fire, and then placed it under my tire, and when the car blew, it melted my shoe and so I began to perspire. A priest came up to me. He stuffed a waffer of bread down my throat and made me drink cheap wine (yes, there IS babble in reality). "COUNT ROSERIES!!!" He screamed in my face. "What?" I questioned, not hearing him. "COUNT FUCKING ROSERIES, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" He look ashamed at such language and lept off crying somewhat. I tried to act natural.