The ALL-NEW History of the World

by Milky

INTRO

You know the history of the world. Everyone does. It's an oft-told tale - A few cavemen become Greeks and Romans, get killed by some barbarians, have a bit of a dark age, and then discover America and go on to fight against Napoleon and later have World Wars 1 and 2. The end. But now you need hear that tired story and all the minor variations on that tired theme produced over and over again. No longer need you deal with complicated allusions to world events by tricky authors. By reading this one single guide, you will have all the facts, stories and allusions you need to get along in the post-historical world.

ANCIENT HISTORY

The ALL-NEW history of the world begins with Rick, a creature called a Nine-Rake, travelling down a river in a large hollowed-out pork chop. The Earth was then the size of an antelope, and constructed of some mustard seed and a few leftover onions. He stumbled upon a large continent which he named Al-Pikune. Rick, the Nine-Rake, stepped ashore and gave birth to 1000 children of varying species, and these children walked, swam, flew and slithered across the entire globe and began to multiply, for there was nothing else to do.

Rick built a city called Valt, which stretched millions of miles across the continent of Al-Pikune, and millions more miles up into the heavens and millions more miles down into the Earth. Valt had tremendous walls built of toffee, which enclosed a population of over 90 million creatures and their friends. Valt could also transform into a kangaroo which secreted tasty chocolate eggs in its pouch, and children came from miles around in order to get one of these eggs of Valt. Under the leadership of Rick, Valt dominated and spread across the entire planet, which grew and diversified immensely. Valt also began the contruction and colonization of space and the production of several popular board games.

But it was not meant to be. One of Valt's space colonies revolted, and millions of huge alien ships made of tapioca pudding assaulted the Earth and carried off many of its inhabitants to distant galaxies to work as slaves and pool attendants. Rick's tapioca children then launched sypothonic missiles at the Earth, destroying it completely, and went on to dominate the rest of the universe for many years.

The various chunks of Earth which were large enough to support life floated around freely in space and each gradually became dominated by one species.

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