Murphy the clown hailed from the east and sought his fortune in the west, where riches were to be had in the lucrative kiddie show market. Dressed in a faded yellow suit with bright orange hair and runny makeup, he hitch- hiked along the King's highway, primed and pumped, and ripe for the adventures he envisioned would line the streets and alleys of his sojourn.
Whenever he met someone new, he would say "I'm Murphy the clown. I'm new in town. I come from the east and head to the west. Whenever I meet some new, I say...." Most people would then tie his legs to a huge boar named Francis and have him dragged to the city limits. But Murphy never frowned. After all, as a bright, happy, young boy growing up in the hills and valleys of the east, a bunch of drunken bullies tattooed a smile to his face, dooming Murphy to be a clown forever.
After perhaps a year, Murphy arrived in the west. He went straight away to the huge glass office tower of 'KiddieShowCo.', the world's largest maker of fine kiddie shows. He immediately got an interview with a real live executive, who asked what Murphy could do.
"Oh, many, many things," replied Murphy, "I can juggle, dance, ride a unicycle, tell hundreds of jokes, recite every Dr. Seuss book by heart while playing the kazoo through my nose. I can stand on my head and drink water, I can do ventriloquism, magic tricks to rival Houdini, put on puppet shows, teach finger painting and cooking. I can play every musical instrument, many of them at the same time, I am a certified teacher of Transcendental Meditation, I can give sermons from every religion, tame lions and tigers and bears, I'm an expert on every game ever invented, and I've invented a few myself. I can walk over hot coals and survive underwater with no air for hours. I can fast for weeks on end. I can catch bullets with my eyelids. Every part of my body can dance a perfect tango. I can do excellent imitations of 2,000 famous persons, dead and alive. I can summon the Valkyrie, speak in tongues, exorcise demons, and manipulate everyday hamburgers on a molecular level."
"You know anything about SuperPaint for the Macintosh?"
"Well....no."
"Sorry. Our Department of Futurists says that the future of kiddie shows is practical microcomputer applications."
Poor Murphy the clown! But one rejection was not enough to break his spirit. He went down the street to the elegant restored Victorian building that housed 'Winchester Educational Programming For Children Inc.', the oldest and most prestigious kiddie show developer in the world. He soon had an interview. "What are your qualifications?" asked the executive.
"Well, I worked on a local cable station for a year, and I was a substitute kindergarten teacher for a while."
"I see. Mr. Murphy, you see, we generally only hire people who have graduated with at least a B+ average from the 'London Academy for Children's Entertainers' and who have worked on a major network for an average of ten years. But please do apply again once you have fulfilled those requirements. Good day."
A little disheartened now, Murphy the clown strode further down the street to the avante-garde architectural triumph that was 'NooWav TeleMedia For Young Adults', the most progressive developer of kiddie shows. Again he saw an executive and described his skills and qualifications.
"Very impressive, Murph. Unfortunately, we are currently implementing affirmative action hiring. Obviously you aren't a women nor a person of colour. Are you Jewish, gay, transsexual, or in any way mentally or physically challenged?"
"Um. No."
"Sorry, Murph. You can either come back after the underprivileged quota has been filled, or you can of course cause yourself to become underprivileged. Have sexual reassignment surgery, convert to Judaism, cripple yourself, etc. Have a nice day."
Murphy the clown finally found work in 'Sleez R Us', kiddie porn department. He was busted after two months by a police sting operation, served 10 years in jail, and ended up working as a psychotic clown in straight-to-video slasher movies.
(April 24 1992)