"Hello," I said to the shimmering white being in front of me.
It smiled, held it's breasts up for my admiration, and said sternly "Fuck you."
This should tell you two things about heaven. One: everybody's naked. Two: angels are pretty mean.
Dying was a shock to my system, to say the least. Never mind the fact that I died because a platypus jumped out of the bushes and scared me to death. It was th eactual dying part that disturbed me. My soul left my body and was thrown upwards like it was being sucked up through a huge vacuum cleaner.
And then I was in heaven. There are two words to describe heaven: white and infinite.
It's very white, and I have yet to see a single indication of non-whiteness, thus my two conclusions about heaven.
"I assume," I said to the angel in front of me, or, more specifically, to her breasts, "that I am in heaven."
At that, she leapt on my chest, knocking me down, and placed her hands on my eyebrows.
"I let you exist only because you are a beginner. This is Mai Faice. Not heaven or any of your christian fantasy crap. Now," she said, taking her knees out of my chest, "get up." I did, to say the least.
"Why am I here?"
"Because you're dead."
"Obviously. Could you be more specific?"
"Training."
"What?"
"You are a bundle of spiritual energy. You have been trapped in a body so long you can it let go of it. Watch this."
She turned into an eggplant.
She turned back.
"I'll do it slower this time."
Her body lost it's structure like a poem. The gummy flesh sank like a puddle and resolved itself into the form of an eggplant.
"You can do it to. You must learn to be free. Let's being."
At this, she began hitting me about the face with her fists. AFter a considerable beating she stopped.
"Did that hurt?"
"Quite."
"Good."
She continued abusing me everywhere - head, stomach, groin, testicles - until I lay, a fallen partridge, sobbing at her feet.
"You're making your own pain. Let go."
Her hand turned into a lead pipe and smashed my face into the back of my skull.
Part III: Beatings
Let me get one thing clear. When I said "smashed my face into the back of my skull" I meant it. Not in any figurative way, but literally. The facial part of my skull collapsed and the bone mashed the contents of my head into the back. It hurt.
"Ow," I said.
"That didn't have to ahppen. Let go of your rigid structure."
She threw her pipe-fist again, this time at my testicles. I REALLY did not want the inevitable the happen. Accounting for the state of my head, I didn't want to know what she would do down there. Fear overwhelmed me. I thought of pudding.
Compared to my new friend turning herself into an eggplant, what happened next wasn't really that strange. Instead of breaking flesh and splintering bone, the object of my fear sank into my flesh with a "splut" like the Pacific Ocean.
This felt odd. My skin suddenly have the consistency of taffee felt like it was being melted with fire, sans the pain.
I made myself hard again, and there we stood, her lead hand stuck in my abdomen. She detached her wrist from the pipe. My stomach swelled around the remains and swallowed them. A new hand sprouted on her wrist like an erection.