Weird. What's weird? Are you weird? Am I? Say that reminds me of a story. Here goes:
Out of the fiery pits of Klugalahocky, comes the device that would be known to thousands in the future. Of course I am talking about the Snoll-sharer, the legendary machine designed to do... well, not much.
Out of the atmosphere it roared, destroying things randomly, like dogs named Charlie or pogo-sticking llamas. But that's not the focus of our story. The point is, it zoomed over to planet Earth and--
"Quite the interesting specimen!" exclaimed Lord Flifgarit, examing the object before him. Of course, robots have no remorse, which is the entire point of the story. Got it?
So, I'm about to call my friend.. I'll call him Larry, because that's his real name. The following sequence results:
[ring! ring!]
ME: Hello, is Larry there?
VERY MEAN SOUNDING VOICE: You have the wrong number.
[note: Once I tried doing this as a joke, and it turns out that at the random number I called there was an actual Larry! More on this next chapter.]
WHAT ANY NORMAL PERSON WOULD DO:
ANP: Oh, sorry! [CLICK!]
WHAT I WOULD DO:
ME: Can you tell me when he'll be in, please? [This agitates them.]
VOICE: I SAID, you have the wrong number!
ME: Oh.. Could you at least check once?
VOICE: Maybe you don't understand. YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER!
ME: Whoops! Could you tell me the right one, then?
VOICE: {sigh} [CLICK!]
File the number for "future reference"...
Ok, you can do this when you get a wrong number, or by dialing numbers at random. By the by, this file is purely for "fun", and I do not advocate any of these ploys. Phew! Now that that's done, let's get on with the fun, no?
Often when I try this, I get an answering machine. DON'T WASTE THIS OPPORTUNITY!!! Leave bizzare messages like "Big Fred says no more washing" or messages telling people to call people you really hate! Once I tried this, and the poor dupe whose number I gave out was flooded with phone calls ranging from "Yeah, dis is Bob. Whaddya want?" to "Would you like to setup an appointment with Dr. Malpractice?" All in good fun, no?
One number I called really =did= have a Larry there! You shoulda heard the message I left for him...
2:10 AM -- Wakened from sleep by those pesky yellow monkeys again. Damn! Thought I got rid of them. Oh well, it gave me time to work on my book, "Confessions of the Bagel".
8:47 AM -- Just saw one of those "Hey, Vern!" commercials. Damnit, if that guy is trying to talk to me, why doesn't he come to my house? Everyone knows that I'm the real Vern.
9:23 AM -- Am watching Donahue. There's some real weirdo on this one. Get this - he acts in a sitcom! HAHAHAH! The monkeys came again.
10:43 AM -- Just finished talking to Barry, the man who lives in my closet. Have never seen the guy, but he assures me that he exists. (I believe him.) Claims that the President's plot to steal my slippers is still in full force. What to do!
11:32 AM -- Have finished first chapter of "Confessions of the Bagel". It consists of the letter "s" repeated for forty-three pages. I am convinced that it will be a best seller.
12:875 PM -- Decided to go for a walk, but when I opened the door, I discovered that my house was suspended several miles off the ground. Gee, it's cloudy down there. Will wait for the house to descend before my walk, as the pickles have stolen my parachute again.
??:?? ?? -- Time seems to have lost all meaning. My watch says 2:56, but the clock on the wall merely says "kontalu" over and over again. WHich is right?
DON'T KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS, BUT GEE IT'S DARK -- Could be because of the fact that my house is moving deeper and deeper into space. Maybe it will be better in the morning. Damn monkeys keep pestering me for the film rights to my book. I'd do it, only they're offering me in Ddillean money, which =ANYONE= knows can't get you a decent sun-dial on Earth. Oh, the trials of brilliancy.
(There are two chairs on the stage. In between them is a table. In walks a MAN, and sits down.)
MAN (loudly, yelling) : Look at this stupid audience! Paid good money to see this! HAHAHAHAA!!!
MAN IN AUDIENCE : I resent that!
SOMEONE ELSE IN THE AUD : So do I.
(Everyone in the audience gets up and leaves. The MAN quits his job, and moves to Venezuela, where he was last seen wearing merely a large leaf.)
THE END
During the portions of my life that I have been lucky enough to enjoy the company of hamsters, I have gained immeasurable insights from their presence. Here is some of the love, laughs, and lore that they have left behind as a legacy.
Those who can, do. Those who can't, sit around and eat sunflower seeds and lie in piles of wood shavings. --Conhamsteius
Sure I remember the ol' days. Me an' all my brothers an' sisters havin' so much fun in that big ol' cage of ours. We always got fed when we were hungry, and water when we were thirsty. Things started... happening, though. First Hammel went missing. Then Hammelena. Then, one day, this big pink thing comes down and plops me here, where I been all my life. --Old Mr. Hamstelby
Let me go back to the wheel! Let me go back to the wheel! Let me go back to the wheel! Let me go back-- -- Nervous little Hammelo
I just finished my new book, "Confessions of the Bagel"! -- Hamlilbia, the weird one
If I have one piece of advice for you, it's to always, no matter what, GET AS FAR AWAY FROM MOVING OBJECTS AS POSSIBLE. THIS OVERRULES ANY OTHER RULE. -- Anon.
If you have any bits of weirdness you'd like to share, you can contact me at our temporary "home base", Purgatory BBS (XXX-XXXX). If I'm not reachable there try The A-Team's Hideout (XXX-XXXX) or Dreamscape (XXX-XXXX).
** NOTE: This text file may not be altered in ANY way.