Satan's history is familiar to most of us. His father was an Admiral in the navy, and was determined that
the young Satan should follow in his footsteps, an ambition that the rebellious young Satan did not share.
As a teen, Satan made spending money by working as a part-time stockboy at Sears, until one fateful day
he was fired for having a poor work attitude. Unsurprisingly, the bitter Satan became the father of evil and
started running Hell® a grassroots enterprise in the beginning, which soon became one of the corporate
world's most notorious success stories. Hell® now commands 54% of the world soul market.
Satan's country villa is just as one would expect it to be: grandiose, immense, unbearably evil. Situated
just meters away from the Lake of Fire, it was the perfect spot for tea and a chat with His Infernal Majesty
himself. Arriving by a carriage led by flaming demons, I was ushered into Satan's quaint drawing room
by one of his indentured servants. The room appeared to be set up for comfort, rather than elegance; along
one wall was an enormous book-rack, crammed, predictably, with trashy bestsellers. I noticed a copy of
Anthony Robbins' "Personal Power" series, a worn, dog-eared paperback edition of Anne of Green
Gables, four weighty tomes entitled Contract Law, vols. I-IV, and more than just a few Stephen King
novels. When pressed, the Dark One admitted that King "fuckin' freaks the hell outta me." After a brief
wait, the Prince of Darkness emerged from the bathroom, eager to talk. Old Salt was wearing a faded pair
of acid-washed Levi's, new-looking Air Jordans, and a "Jamaica...No Problem!" t-shirt.
YIP: Hi, Satan.
Satan: Hi! Please call me Satie.
YIP: Sure, "Satie". I guess the question most of our readers are begging to ask you is this: you're
responsible for the corruption and eternal torture of millions of human souls. Isn't that mean?
Satie: Well, it's easy to judge. I don't know, I suppose there is a mean aspect to it, but...
YIP: Have you gotten a bad rap over the years?
Satie: I think so. I'm just doing my job, trying to get by like everybody else. Sometimes I really think the
press forgets that I have feelings too. (quietly) Antichrists need thick skins.
YIP: Now, there's been a lot of talk recently -- especially among your competitors -- of "hell". Maybe you
could set the record straight.
Satie (chuckles): It's not really a big deal. All I have to say to that "Pope" character is this -- lighten up,
YIP: Did you immediately go into evil after your falling-out with Sears?
Satie: I worked a few odd-jobs for a little while. I operated kissing booths at country fairs, dabbled in
beekeeping, caddied...stuff like that. Oh yeah, and I was a Solid Gold dancer for a couple of episodes,
before I got canned for some chick. Live and learn.
YIP: What does Satan do when he just wants to sort of "kick back"?
Satie: Let's see... I try to do the Jumble every day, and I make sure to keep up on the latest antics of
Marmaduke. What a rascal! I'll be seeing that dog soon.
YIP: What does Satan bring home from the newsstands?
Satie: I like to keep up with the trades. Spotlight on Evil is pretty objective.
YIP: What are your turn offs? And turn ons?
Satie (pauses): Definite turn-offs are girls who smoke and people who don't know how to laugh. I guess
my turn-ons include men who aren't afraid to cry and... bunnies. Oh, and spreading evil.
YIP: What really ticks Satan off? Pet peeves?
Satie: Wet dogs are a bummer. Sears, of course. And when people get angry at me.
YIP: Boxers or briefs?
Satie: Oh, briefs. They're much more evil.
YIP: Are there any women in Satan's life?
Satie (blushes): Welll...
YIP: Now Satan...
Satie: Well there is one girl. But I'd rather not mention her name cause her folks'll get mad.
YIP: Okay okay, I won't press the issue! (we both laugh)
YIP: Are you bitter towards God?
Satie: God? No! No, God and I have worked things out. We had lunch earlier this week. That whole
casting-out-of-heaven, battling for men's souls thing was blown out of proportion by the British Press.
They'll say anything to sell newspapers. No, I think my real enemy is the Sears corporation.
YIP: The ever-burning fires, the all-permeating smell of brimstone, the constant screams of the damned ...
does it ever get to seem routine?
Satie: Well, yeah, sometimes there is a feeling that you've done it all...
YIP: Does it ever "get you down"?
Satie: Sometimes I feel a little blue. But it's nothing a little air hockey won't cure!
YIP: What sort of projects have you got on the go for Hell?
Satie: Well I'm eager to spruce Hell up a bit. I want to finish the work on the west wing of course, I'm
especially eager to complete the new rumpus room, which'll be a nice place for the denizens of Hell to just
hang out when Hell starts, y'know, getting to them... It won't be too much fun though. Oh, and new
carpeting for the entire Underworld. If that guy from Sears stops screwing us around. Also, we're working
on finding ways to make sinning more attractive.
YIP: Like how?
Satie: Oh, you know... give-aways, coupons, the regular stuff. We're running a couple of commercials
with happy sinners... it's really not fleshed out yet.
YIP: What about personal projects? Got anything running on the side?
Satie: I'm really excited about my new Satan's Own line of salad dressings, available in finer
supermarkets everywhere, and I'll be touring around promoting that line for the next few months. As for
the future... well, I want to move up, but my resum‚ isn't very impressive, what with the whole tormentor
of humanity thing. Oh, and getting fired from Sears doesn't look so hot. I've got to try to get some good
press, maybe see if I can get on Hollywood Squares or something. I'm thinking of cutting an album with a
couple musician pals -- everyone says I have a beautiful singing voice.
YIP: Our readers would like to know if being the Prince of Darkness ever gets lonely.
Satie: Yeah, it sure does. Sure, I got a lot going for me, but I ain't exactly the happiest guy around, if you
know what I mean. I just want what everybody else does, you know? So I'm responsible for a little
torture -- does that mean I don't deserve a little love?
YIP: Any parting advice for aspiring princes of darkness?
Satie: I guess the most important thing I can say is that you should always remember that you're doing it
for fun. Never lose sight of that, and follow your dreams. 90% of becoming the supreme master of all evil
is just showing up.
YIP: Last, but not least, Satie, if you had one wish, what would it be for?
Satie: World peace. Or a nice loooooong back rub!