AOL Chatroom: For journalistic purposes, same as the Internet.

Com: The suffix that all computer and Internet-related businesses must legally add to their name.

Computer: A device with two primary uses: (1) Used by white suburban viewers of TV news magazines to connect to AOL. (2) Used by hackers, rapists and child pornographers to destroy the lives and property of white suburban viewers of TV news magazines. (3) Intel Pentium II Processor With MMX Technology (ding, ding ding ding ding!)

Cyber: The prefix that all computer and Internet-related businesses must legally add to their name. Broadcasting regulations stipulate that TV news magazines reporting on anything bad on the Internet must include the word cyber in the segment title.

Cybersex: Unless you watch lots and lots of TV news magazine shows, your children will have some.

Download: No actual meaning - the all-purpose computer verb.

Hack: Computer use by those under 30. Hacking consists of two primary activities: (1) raising marks on report cards, (2) destroying the lives and property of white suburban viewers of TV news magazines while listening to evil techno music and travelling on rollerblades of destruction. Hackers can also start nuclear war (with the correct password). If you're interested in becoming a hacker, the movies Superman III, Hackers and The Net provide a solid introduction to most of the basic concepts and techniques.

Interactivity: Look for this when you buy anything computer-related. It may cost a little more, but if you don't get some of this stuff, you'll kick yourself. REAL good stuff.

Internet®: (1) A network of computers established by the US military at the beginning of the Cold War, with the hope that in the event of nuclear war, members of the military could continue to view porn, play Quake and trade tips on how to make money quickly. (2) That icon on Windows 95 that takes you to the Dilbert page.

Internet Service Provider: This is the thing that gives you the Internet. Some good Internet Service Providers are Netscape, the Web and the Internet.

IT Technology: This is another good thing to get lots and lots of. Hard to describe but extremely, extremely good. Ask your computer vendor about getting some extra.

Login: This is simply to confirm your username and password with your ISP and to notify legions of old, fat, bald rapists how many children you have and where in the house they sleep and invite the rapists to come and get 'em.

Microsoft: The company that invented the Internet in 1995.

Multimedia: No actual meaning. It's good, though, use it as often as humanly possible.

Netscape: The company that invented the Internet in 1992.

Password: A unique string of alphanumeric characters which safeguards your electronic identity - generally the word "password" works best, although some programs insist that you use the password "********". If you forget your password just call your ISP and ask for it.

Phreak: Phone hacking, primarily used by hackers to obtain free long distance phone calls, which in turn destroys the lives and property of white suburban viewers of TV news magazines.

World Wide Web (also known as "The Internet" or "Netscape"): A place with lots of graphics and sound where visitors can take a little time off and learn to build a bomb when they grow tired of child porn.