Before I started to use Fraudutek Industries Uber-Porn, I was masturbating in an entirely 19th- 20th century way. But now I'm doing shit far more advanced and space-age. When I walk down the street and see old men fondling themselves, or when I think of my grandmother, diddling herself in the back of a 25 cent movie theatre, it makes me sick. I just want to kill them all.

- B. Shagnasty

Before I bought your product I was pulling myself off in an irregular manner, but now that I have bought your product, I can choke my turkey more productively and still have time to watch the test series cricket.

- T. McShane

Before trying The Sexual Circle (tm) I was trapped in a vicious cycle of unsatisfying relationships due to the enormous guilt I was feeling, brought on by all the pain and discomfort my freakishly huge penis was causing the many actresses and models I was intimate with.

I used to fear having sex with virgins, and had to turn them away from my door by the dozens. Thanks to the wondrous features of The Sexual Circle, I can now enjoy limitless sex with virgins, without ever damaging their tender hymens!

Thank you, Fraudutek

As a longtime fan of sex by itself, I was skeptical when I heard about your "sex drugs". I thought it would be similar to good ol' amyl nitrate, but I was happily mistaken. I tried Fraudutek's sex drugs one night, and found myself having the most incredible sex of my life, without having to lift a finger! Now I'm happily using sex drugs all the time, even at work! Thank you, Fraudutek Industries!

- Electra Etcetera

Sex Drugs...What can you say about them? They are the greatest thing next to crack whores. They erased most of my childhood guilt about being an altar boy. It made me realize that if I were totally unihibited by shame and moral standards I could easily have sex with so many more objects and creatures I never thought my psyche would allow me to. In fact I used the blue "Morals Inhibitor" pill and I had with the "Orifice in a Can" while listening to the great sounds of Zamfir, master of the pan flute. The bright pink ones erased all of my Catholic brainwashing and I masturbated with a meatloaf right away! Thank you Fraudutek...thank [the absurd notion of a higher being] for Fraudutek.

- A. Junkie- It's German and pronounced Youn Kee (12/30/99)

- S. Trogen